Death, Grief, & Come What May

Come what may.

It's easy to say when things are easy. It's difficult to live out when every day is a struggle for composure, for normalcy in light of sudden tragedies.

In recent weeks, my husband has declared that it hurts tremendously to shed the skin of who you once were. Shedding this skin not only includes making peace with your childhood self or college self or even the self who occupied the entirety of last year; it also includes internalizing and moving past the deaths of loved ones.

Within the last year I have learned an excruciating amount about myself through such experiences.

As many of you know, I grew up with dogs - never cats. My dad was not terribly fond of them, so we stuck to canines. When I got married, however, I knowingly married a cat person, and without much effort he convinced me I’d enjoy the company of cats if we got them as kittens. So we did. A month after we married, we decided to enlarge our family with two furbabies, Sophie and Emmerich, both barely 8 weeks old as rescues.

They stole my heart from the very first moment these skittish balls of love came to rest on me of their own volition. I had no idea I had such a capacity to love cats so much, and I’m so happy Sophie and Emmerich were the ones who showed me. They made me a catmom for the first time in my life.

Then, a year later, we had to say goodbye to Sophie because her kidneys were failing. It turns out lily poisoning is fatal if not caught early enough. On August 28, 2018 I was reminded for the first time in ten years how much it hurts to lose someone you love.

About a year later, I was due for a painful reminder again.

Friday morning July 19, 2019 I cuddled with Emmerich on the couch while I drank my coffee, a ritual we’d established over recent months. I noticed he was breathing heavily but otherwise totally lovey and normal. Later that morning, Joseph took him in to get checked out. We thought it might be asthma or something similarly minor. Five hours later, we were taking him home in a box, taped closed.

Feline leukemia is a tricky little virus that manifests without much warning and with a smorgasbord of potential symptoms. Emmerich had been carrying the virus in his bone marrow and it chose to present itself and start shutting his body down. There was nothing we could have done and nothing we could do except hold him and tell him how much we loved being part of his life while the vet put him to sleep.

The suddenness and utter surprise of his death are what gutted me the worst; I realized with painful clarity over the following week that looking into the face of an old, well-lived pet is very, very different from having to unexpectedly put down an otherwise healthy two-year-old catbaby. You look at the latter and wistfully imagine a long life with them; you look at the former and experience a twinge of reality that says the possibility of them dying of old age increases each day. How could I look at Emmerich like that? His death due to any reason seemed so far off as to be intangible. I can and have looked at my 12-year-old dog, Maxx, like that though, ever since I moved out.

I try to visit my parents where Maxx lives once a month or so. I live two hours and twenty minutes away now - that’s not close but it’s also not far. But in the last year, the fruits of my maturity have come to light in how I’ve regarded Maxx every time I show up and he’s still there, howling his greeting and bounding up to give me kisses: I look at him very deliberately and think “this could be the last time I see him.” It is a bit painful and uncomfortable, staring the inevitability of death right in the eyes, but it provides a sturdy jumping off point for our subsequent interactions. They feel so much more meaningful to me and I practice a present mindfulness, appreciating the silkiness of his coat as I pet him, the sound of his baying as he launches out the front door after a crow. This could be the last time, I think, smiling a bit sadly while Maxx prances around the yard, sniffing for deer poop. So let me be here with him while I can.

The second chapter of my grief opened with the death of young Emmerich and continued in the last couple of weeks as a lesson on the many shapes and sizes grief comes in. It can come on suddenly and without fanfare much like a tsunami, and it can also arrive somewhat slow and steadily, but still end in a jolt.

Death, even when totally expected, still manages to strike deep and quick into the humanity of those left behind.

Chapter three of my grief opened suddenly barely two weeks after Emmerich’s death. My dog Maxx died on Sunday, August 4th of 2019.

Loss, of this rapid-fire nature, certainly makes it hard to breathe.

I remember taking Maxx out for an evening potty break when he was about a year old. My family were in the final stages of readying to uproot our lives and move to Peru, but we were uncertain whether Maxx could accompany us. On that walk, I kneeled in the leaves next to him and took him into my arms, crying into his silky coat. I wanted so badly for him to come with us; imagining this next chapter without him felt hollow and dull, so much so that the image alone brought me to tears next to this clueless, happily wagging animal in the trees behind our house in Virginia.

Thankfully his goofy butt was able to fly over with us and my life during that period of isolation and soul searching was the slightest bit sweeter because of his presence.

It’s amazing how meaningful these animals are, even though they can’t talk to you and don’t see the world like you do and can’t even begin to comprehend their own mortality. Maxx was alive for exactly half my lifetime. That’s plenty long enough to leave a lasting, profound, stinky paw print on my heart. He was my buddy, great for cuddling and singing but not so great for fetching. I will miss him dearly, but I rest in knowing he lived a full, well-traveled life with a loving family, and now he’s enjoying a vast field full of crows to chase, popcorn to munch on, and all the butter wrappers to lick clean whenever he wants. No pain. No tears. No strangers. Just love.

It’s easy to feel sad for myself in the wake of these deaths. One terribly young, the other approaching old; one like a child, the other more of a little brother; both unexpected in their own ways but woven of different hurts. And I have every right to fall to pieces at seeing a photo or talking about them while the wounds are still freshly glistening. But you know what is also true at the exact same time? I can, and should, keep moving forward. If I’m truly living out the Come What May permanently inked on my body for all to see, I can certainly dig deep into this grief - but that doesn’t excuse me from my habits and goals. I still need to take care of and stay true to myself and my family. Both grief and unrelated meaningful pursuits can happen simultaneously. And they will.

Some days it hurts to keep going, but each day I’m able to manage the weight a little better. For the first week after Emmerich’s death, coming home from work sent me into hysterics because of how he used to greet me after a long day. Now I can pat the arm of the couch where he would perch and await scratches and smile fondly at the memory, thankful I even have the capacity to remember such things. And it will be the same with Maxx. If I don’t keep moving forward, the grief will turn into quicksand and consume me. I have to keep getting up at 6. I can cry while I drink my coffee because the weight of how much I miss them hits me - that’s acceptable. But when I dry my eyes, it’s time to hit the gym and throw around some weight. Then I hoist up that backpack of grief and go to work. So far I haven’t missed a single day. Gotta keep moving. Then I come home and work on my book or clean the house or make dinner. Do my nighttime routine, go to bed, and do it all again tomorrow. The backpack won’t be quite as heavy then.

Death sucks. Grief hurts. Understanding our own mortality and the mortality of others sets us apart from other creatures. It is a heavy burden to bear, and it will happen to all of us. Come What May, you gotta keep moving. It’s the only way to stay alive.

That doesn’t mean I won’t miss these precious babies of mine like hell.

In memory of:

Sophie (1yo) ~ August 28, 2018

Emmerich (2yo) ~ July 19, 2019

Maxx (12yo) ~ August 4, 2019

Portrait of a Woman Becoming

     

   
       This may come as no surprise to some of you if you know my husband, or even me, at all. Two weekends ago I took a motorcycle safety course, which entailed a few hours of classroom teaching and several hours of putting those learned concepts into practice on the riding range (parking lot). The end goal of this course was to acquire my Class M license and therefore enable me to legally ride a motorcycle on the streets, ideally working up to riding with Joseph no longer on the passenger seat behind him but on my own bike beside him.
        While I know these two things aren't the same, I grew up loving to ride my bicycle, and that comfortable balance is probably the most important factor when riding a much, much heavier engine-powered bike, so I figured this would be to my advantage. It was; my instructors told me I took to riding incredibly well, especially considering that weekend was the first time ever in my life I was in the front seat, in addition to the fact that shifting with a clutch is still a new concept, too. All in all, a fantastic weekend in which I had boatloads of fun - along the way, however, there were some things I learned that I never could have anticipated.
        If you have been exposed to my character and personality at all in my life, then you know I work exceptionally hard at striking perfection on the first try. Of what? Well, everything. I am cripplingly averse to making mistakes and do not take failure well. I tend to get easily frustrated and have no problem crying as a result. Then, I am so adept at self-deprecation that I basically deter myself from ever again wanting to attempt whatever it was that frustrated me so badly, either out of fear of failing once more or pure stubbornness in the face of the fact that I already failed and the activity in question is suddenly utterly unappealing.
        Failure -> tears -> self-deprecation [resulting in a]= fuming, quiet, Negative Nancy.

        That Sunday after only 9 hours of riding (although truly most of that was spent sitting on the bike, stationary, waiting for next steps), it was test time. Me and 8 others had practiced everything that would be on this skills test over the course of the weekend, so there would be no surprises. To pass, there were five exercises and a points system to cater to - basically, don't run into anyone, don't drop the bike, and don't put your foot down too many times or go outside the lines and you'll be golden.
        By the time we were at exercise 3 I had done okay; I had accrued some points but was still on track to pass. Next was the quick stop after getting up to 15-18mph. I had done this numerous times in practice without fault, but until the test hadn't been concerned about the speedometer. This variable, tiny as it was, was enough to throw me off. Literally.

        When the instructor waved me on I stared down at the speedometer, which I had not yet grown accustomed to doing, and this misdirected focus banished all the muscle memory foundations I had laid for a safe, quick stop; I did the exact thing a panicked, unprepared amateur would do: I grabbed at the front brake lever, putting the bike into a dive, and tumbled to the asphalt.
        When I picked myself up the instructor asked me if I was all right, asked me to show him my hands; the gloves were chewed at the heels of my palms, but my skin was unperturbed. My right knee twinged where a new hole was torn, blood seeping into the beige fibers of my jeans. A streak of blue paint from the guidelines on the asphalt stained the upper lip of the tear.
        I walked 30 feet to the curb of the parking lot and sat, helmet off and hands between my bent knees. I was not trembling. I was not breathing hard. I wanted so badly to cry in defeat and frustration, but I tempered that easy reaction. Instead, as my fellow students lined up for the next exercise, I called out to them through cupped hands: "hey, just don't follow my example and you'll be fine!" It should have been thickly coated in bitterness, but I actually smiled as I said it.
        Two years ago, maybe even just last year, I would have cried in anger on that curb and tore myself apart as I sat there, jealously observing my colleagues' success. I may have even sworn off riding a motorcycle for a while out of pure spite for the sport entire. If I can't get it right - perfect - the first time, then what's the use of it? Clearly it's just not for me. I'm incapable and shouldn't waste any more of my time.
        Under the beating sun I should have felt the heat of shame creep into my face - historically, that is. As it was, I sat there, knee smarting and mind analyzing, and I was calm. No tears, no alter-ego shredding me down to nothing with weapons of words. I evaluated the scene and came to the conclusion that flying off the bike was not an indication of failure; it was a indication that I needed more practice. Simple and true, considering my exposure to riding solo was confined merely to that weekend.
        On the way inside to do paperwork, one instructor pulled me aside and told me she was impressed by my improvement over the last two days. It was incredibly genuine, especially since a kind word was a rare thing from her - her teaching style tended on the harsh side, which made this positive admission even sweeter. I smiled and said thanks, that I would be back to take my retest in a couple of weeks.

        I walked off the range with the bright side on my shoulders. Normally I would have spent the entire ride home glaring off into the distance and internally berating myself for pulling such an amateur stunt. There wasn't even an ounce of shame in my thoughts and I wasn't pretending to be positive. This mode of reaction was brand new to me, and was therefore shocking in the best way. I must say, it feels great not thinking of yourself as a failure, honestly and doubtlessly.
        If for nothing else, falling off the bike gave me a chance to see myself as a portrait of what I've steadily become over the past couple of years. I had long since convinced myself that perfection-focused failure-aversion was an immutable part of my character, but alas, I am so grateful to be proven wrong. After all, what sort of gaunt, sallow character must you have if you get everything perfectly right the first time, with no chance to make mistakes and adjust accordingly? With no chance to become better and do better?
        This weekend I had Joseph ride my bike (see headline photo) to a nearby empty parking lot so I could practice whatever I wanted at my own pace. And guess what? I took the retest this past Sunday and aced it - all my marks were zeroes, which means I didn't put a foot down or go outside the lines - or come close to dropping the bike again. I learned very acutely what not to do, and adjusted for it.

     
        I earned the passing grade this time around, through and through. The first time, even if I hadn't dropped the bike, it wouldn't have felt nearly as satisfying or deserved.
        It takes suffering through trials to see who we really are. If you're consistently taking the easy way out, then you're refusing to look in the mirror. If you're content where you sit, you will remain there in mediocrity and stagnation. Growth takes risk, takes doing and suffering and doing again. Learn from mistakes and continue onward. It is the best we can do for ourselves as well as those we hold closest. Do better, be better, and so on.
        "Hay que seguir adelante." - One must continue onward.

Suddenly Your House is On Fire

     What do you grab?
     Out of every single possession, what's the one thing you would save from the flames? There aren't necessarily any right or wrong answers to this common hypothetical scenario; however, there are some silly ones. Leo Buscaglia's book Love referenced an actual occurrence of this where a woman, the unfortunate owner of the flaming house, found herself running out to the street for safety carrying years and years of personal tax reports. Tax reports! That was the first place of importance her mind went, so she grabbed them and ran!
     This scenario has intrigued me quite a lot in recent weeks. I think I'm more interested in the overall loss of the other possessions rather than hung up on the single thing I would save. As far as what to carry with me to safety, my mind jumps to the most expensive things I own, and therefore the most costly things to replace: my laptop, which is quickly depreciating in value (already four years old), my cell phone (also old - it's an iPhone 4S), and my external hard drive, more for preservation of what's on it rather than how much it would cost to replace. These are boring, expected, and don't honestly boast much value. Even if I couldn't save any of these things, I wouldn't feel too badly about it. They're all just things. 
     Which brings me back to the rest of the hypothetical belongings perishing in the hypothetical fire. Some days I think it would almost be good for me to lose everything I own to something beyond my control. The tenacity with which we hold on to earthly possessions can reach terrifying degrees at times. It's grandma's good china from Germany; it's your children's kindergarten fingerpaintings; it's photo albums of long-dead relatives and friends. There's sentimentality and the desire for preservation. I get it. But you and I will no longer have the conscious of mind to care about all those things when we're packed six feet under. 
     Dark? Maybe. Difficult? Of course.
     Thoughts such as these really convicted me a couple weeks ago, though the seeds had been sown by my good friend Joanna at college just before graduation. Toward the end of this year she's going to India to be an amazing presence there teaching English. One of her first responses to such a calling was to get rid of literally everything she owned, as it would only weigh her down knowing she had so many belongings sitting in storage while she was away indefinitely. She was inviting friends to come raid her room, including her desk, dresser, and in the bins beneath her bed (I was one of those friends, and I took most of her office supplies as well as her perfume collection and some kitchen items). I was gracious in receiving these things without her asking for payment (I'll figure something out, just you wait Jo), but it baffled me how easily it seemed she was letting everything go. She watched numerous people dig through her things and take armloads away. 
     It wasn't necessarily easy, she told me later, but knowing it was the right thing to do was enough to help her remain steadfast in her decision. I knew without a doubt that I needed to maintain this type of attitude the next time I planned to pluck through my things. 
     And that just so happened to be a few weeks ago, when it accumulated into a ball of unnecessary stress, and the only way to alleviate it was to do a cleanse.
     I had too many clothes and too many books occupying the small space of my room - hell, my dresser barely contained only half of my stash of shirts! The rest remained in an unpacked suitcase, neglected since I moved back home after graduation (May 7th - over two months ago now!). I feel I have perpetuated this problem for years. Something had to be done, and with the help of Joanna's example, I had to force myself to get over any attachments that existed. I had to be incredibly frank with myself. My two requirements for this cleanse were 1) if I didn't wear it, I didn't need it, and its new home was the donation bag, and 2) if I had worn it threadbare or stained it, it went into the trash. No exceptions.
      There was a peaceful sense of detachment that happened during this process and I was able to execute it without much pain. It was a cleanse, a much-needed purge - it didn't need to feel like I was stripping myself bare. Those shirts were mere things, and very replaceable. 
     I ended up getting rid of a large, bursting trash bag and two smaller bags worth of stuff. I probably could have pruned back more, but my main goal was to fit it all comfortably in my dresser, and I achieved it, for the first time in years. It is liberating to know such a thing.
     Now, while I certainly hope your house doesn't ever catch on fire, I would encourage you to ponder your earthly possessions and any attachments you may have to them. If we really broke it down to the most primitive level, none of those things are necessary for survival if they don't fall into the categories of food, water, or shelter. I saw for myself through plenty of instances in Peru that the amount of stuff one has does not directly equate to the level of happiness. The true genesis of happiness exudes from within (but that's a post for another time). I am merely asking for your awareness here; what's your focus in life? What's your end goal? And how does stuff fit into that equation?
     V

Addressing Skepticism

     My most recent relationship status has caused quite a buzz. Mostly excited and supportive responses thankfully, but I know there are skeptics among you. I do not blame you for this as a reaction. From the outside looking in, I believe it is warranted. Therefore I decided to give a brief window into what it’s like from the inside looking out. Allow me to jump right in.
     Let me make something clear from the outset: we don’t “complete” each other; it’s insulting to the other person to claim that until now, me without him or him without me we were incomplete, unfinished and the only way to be complete is to invite each other into our lives in an intimate way. That’s silly. The idea of “soul mates” is far from a biblical concept – it’s a romantically pressured one perpetuated by society. To all you single guys and gals, I’m sorry – it’s an impossible standard to achieve, and one many believe in.
     While we don’t endorse the soul mate concept, we do have our ways of describing the rapid depth of our connection. So far the best (and still unworthy) explanation I’ve conjured up is that he and I have recognized pieces of our own souls in each other; we have discovered a divine similarity between us. Personally I think Joseph portrayed it best when he said, “We are almost analogous to male and female permutations of the same soul.”
     These claims have provided the vehicle for us to transcend time itself. This experience has been incomparably ethereal. Between meeting Joseph on the 4th of March and my day trip to Baltimore to see him about a week later felt like a lifetime. It has been three weeks since we met, and from then till now has also felt a lifetime long. We have compacted a larger span of time into a smaller temporal container. Time is, like many things, relative. Our three weeks are nowhere near the same as yours. We understand each other on a level that has never existed before due to its impossibility.
     We transcended time, and continue to. I have never thought so clear or felt my mind so broad and challenged by anything, let alone a single individual. It may seem as if we’ve hurried into things, but there has been absolutely no rush. From the outside looking in, the pace is breakneck, but that’s the nature of our organic timeline. It’s like in algebra – when you know all the rules of the equation you solve it quickly, almost automatically, especially compared to when you were first getting acquainted with how every variable fit together. We’ve learned the rules, and this is the product of our combined equations.
     When I was younger and beginning to grasp the gravity of finding God's best for me, I often asked my parents to describe how it felt for them to get to know each other, and when they decided that they wanted to be together forever. This is a common question with an indescribable answer, and the common clichéd and useless-at-the-time response is typically, “you just know. When you find the right person, you just know it,” or “you feel as if on top of the world!” Being the way that I am, this always frustrated me; I wanted a checklist, or a litmus test or something. Rules to rely on. This feeling of “just knowing” seemed improbable and impossible. What if I didn't realize it? What if I somehow missed it? It all became complicated and worrisome. I was incredibly skeptical of it.
     Until now.
     Now I understand completely what they meant. Because I feel it. The indescribable feeling is in me. I “just know.”
     And I am so achingly certain of it that I would stake my life on it.
     It’s insane, I know. But having previous romantic pursuits to compare to throws this in stark contrast when placed next to all the others. It has far surpassed even the wildest expectations I could imagine.
     Neither of us went to EPA intending to meet anyone in this way, and yet here we are. We were not searching, and yet we found. We are swaddled in God’s divinity, cradled in His palms, and I have never been so certain of something in my life. (Yes, it even rivals my certainty concerning my passions for creative writing.)
     I wrote in my post from 2013 “Infernal Love Triangle Devices” that I was confident when God brought my future husband into the picture, the man He had hand-selected for me, I would know it. To quote the post exactly, “…I’m very particular about the qualities and lifestyle choices of the man I will marry in the future. … I, someone who always tries to have the lowest of expectations, am expecting a lot of the man for me. This makes it very easy for me to believe that once I find him, it won’t be long before I know he’s the one. God knows what I’m looking for and what I need, so once I’ve recognized all that, it will be obvious.” Such confidence!
     I know my expectations, standards, and requirements were tricky for any one mortal to score high on altogether. But I had finally seriously entrusted the worry about my future husband to God, surrendering the last thread I was white-knuckling. It did not need to be my responsibility to hunt for this man. If I truly believed all things were possible, God would have me covered. Obedience and trust were the only things expected of me. So I relinquished my human need to control, folded my hands in my lap, and made peace about waiting patiently for God to move. I had done my part, and He would certainly do His.
     The fruits were almost instant. God is faithful, y’all. His promises are far from empty.
     Earlier in the week leading up to EPA I did a lot of praying and ultimately let go of this obsession with stepping in front of God and arranging my future as if I knew better than him. (I don’t deserve his unflinching forgiveness.) Then, mere days later, enter Lightning Boy (aka Joseph). Unbelievable.
     I’ve always been skeptical of “just knowing.” Now I truly understand. It’s the closest thing to enlightenment, to Heaven, on this side of death.

Time as a Construct

Time as a Construct

     I have never been able to fully grasp time as a concept. It’s the thread that holds everything together, and yet it’s something I can totally forget about for large periods of time. I’ve gone through moments in my life wishing for entire years to pass instantaneously due to some emotional desire, not caring what each individual day might bring - I wanted to fast forward and jump past all the experiences I would have had, only to get to that “ultimate” one. That’s idiotic. How could I be so heedless of time and its wonders? How could I not realize the same sixty seconds, or sixty minutes, could be spent in so many different ways? Perceived differently? Agonized over and forgot about? When I’m doing a plank hold for one whole minute during my workouts, it feels like the longest minute of my entire life. Later in the same day, five or even ten whole minutes could pass in the wink of an eye and feel more like a couple seconds than ten minutes.
     Relativity, I’ve found, is the best way to begin explaining time. Time is very dependent on what’s going on inside and around you at that very moment. If I watch the clock and listen to the tocks, time slows to its normal pace, somewhat reminiscent of the Weeping Angels in Doctor Who - if you look at them, they are frozen as statues, but if you blink or look away, they move freely, and very very quickly. Losing track of time is easy to do, friends, and I urge you to take on the challenge I have presented to myself in these past few months. Take each day as its own separate entity. Don’t be like the me of the past, always counting down to the next weekend, the next break, to summertime fun with family and friends. Look forward to each day, and suck all that you possibly can out of it. Be mindful of your time, as it is limited, though as a younger human being it might not seem like it. Just last spring, I came home from a psychology class dealing with mental illness, and we had just wrapped up the chapter dealing with latent illnesses - ones that surface in later years of existence. I was overcome with this crushing emotion of fear and anxiety about the mortality of my family. I am not afraid of death for myself, and in fact welcome it, but thinking about the eventual decay of my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles, mentally and physically…well, it was not pretty, and I was torn to pieces.
     I came to terms with it and pasted myself back together, waiting for time to come weave the splintered fragments closed again.
     Time, then, is not merely a construct. Time is many things. It is a healer, a mourner, a comforter, a teacher - more often than not preaching tough love and resilience. Time is willing to be your friend, your guide, an invaluable asset in your life, if only you’d stop and take a moment to say hello and keep it wrapped around your little finger.
     Therefore I leave you with a warning and an encouragement via poetry, though it’s very much unlike my normal style. Enjoy, friends. This coming week we will all be back to the collegiate grindstone.
Chance Execution

Execute yourself beneath thought.
Feel your destruction galvanize
wrongly placid thoughts, shove askew naivety
past the earthquake memory’s afterthought.
Taste reaction boiling everything ivory because of her
over an experience of failed love.
Accept freedom - love ferociously despite her!
rather than pushing yourself down,
launching into her abandoned friends,
opinions she the exquisite nerve
under skin placed alluringly warm
regarding romantic language, during your everything
and nothing.
No surrender. Resistance shouldn’t prove difficult
back against gossip knots whispering down your spine.
Treatment via punishment:
skirting other years
near to days, near to weeks,
time poking among your sidewalk thoughts,
frail theories now keenly harden,
dreamt during the tranquil night.

Fight me with words.
Fight me with belligerent phrases -
upward, worthwhile phrases, tested for
warlike pollution, for warlike shame
beyond rage’s armament inside needles
after goodbye. Pierce the harmony chuckle
behind somebody’s animal eyes, beside somebody’s memory face,
until the poison from operation
spreads, pathetic
despite a stranger’s stride toward sugar song
unless a prison traps the fingers
in silver, below all light.
Cagey within a jealous box
beneath an agonizing name –
charismatically persuasive; offensive and vivacious.
All apologies she’s accepting now,
worming through your blended brain. Relinquish her, until
after her rhythms decompose one another,
all pictures and records
through the regret around accidental versus deliberate.
Walk away. This war is no longer yours to lie down for.

~V

Orchard

Orchard

My heart is an orchard, with soft,

loamy soil to dig your fingers

into. Each tree has a name, and

each name has roots, some longer than

others, some younger still. A couple

trees have been selected for

execution, roots and all yanked

from the earth, my heart. These pits, these

empty spaces eventually

get filled again with dirt, and a

sapling is planted anew. A mark

is always left, however; some

rooted veins remain.

---

Friends. It's been a while. I apologize - life grows busier with each day. 

This poem was prompted by an event that occurred a little over a year ago that rocked my world. This was my analogy for the results. Some rare poetry for you today. 

Enjoy!
V

There's a Crack in My Crystal Ball

The entirety of last week, I was deeply unhappy; my soul possessed a supreme discontentment – even the bits of soul down in my pinky toes felt it! And the worst part? I couldn’t even put to words why. Thoughts could not embody this disturbance in my being. It drove me crazy.

For days, I woke up with a frown that barely shifted with each passing hour. A reason to pin this crappiness on would have been marvelous, but it took a while for me to properly interpret it.

As most of you know, I am in college finishing up my junior year with a double major in Psychology and Creative Writing. The double major had been something I was 100% certain of even before I set foot on campus in the fall of 2012, as well as plans to go on and get a Master’s in Psych. Freshly 18 years old, I had the next 6 to 8 years of my life planned out as far as academics, and at least 4 years of that I was undoubtedly sure of.

Now that I am on the cusp of finishing my 3^rd year out of 4 in undergraduate studies, the post-graduation future is looming and the pressure of that unfortunately has pushed me to be the most stressed out I have ever been in my life, and I do not say that lightly. I do not get stressed because I don’t allow myself to, but over that week I had to admit that I was discontent with something and stressed out about it. But what the heck was it? I needed more variables to fill in this equation – thus far it was all question marks.

I had been doing what every decent Christian does – pray. Most of my prayers that week consisted of me asking for clarity about my future, about where I was supposed to go and what to do. A couple weeks before that ultimate-stress-week, I had been telling God to make it obvious when He lets me in on my future plans, because I know I’m not the best at interpreting between my feelings and God’s intentions. I distinctly recall saying during family prayer time for God to sledgehammer the obviousness into my head if need be.

Careful what you pray for, kids.

Stress-week was emotionally and spiritually painful (sledgehammer to the soul?). Wednesday night I finally found a faint glimmer of clarity: I didn’t want to go to grad school in Psychology anymore.

It was a feeling before it was a verbalized concept, one that presented itself in tears before words.

There was an acute internal trigger, and through the sniffles I verbalized to myself why I was so discontent. I had realized I didn’t want to go to grad school in Psychology and I had to tell myself it was okay. It’s okay when plans change – now is much better than later, too; for instance, in the middle of a Master’s program for Psych I sure as heck would not have wanted this realization. And anyway, it didn’t currently change much, although initially I thought it changed everything (more stress).

I wanted to write. As soon as I admitted that to myself, I was rushed with alleviation. I wanted to get an MFA, go to a graduate school program that would better my skills. Writing is my passion and has been solidly since 2010, but the seed was planted years before that. Writing is something I cannot live without, while psychology can remain dormant without much fuss – there are so many indicators of this that I feel a fool for not seeing them. Last semester I didn’t have any creative writing classes whatsoever and didn’t have any time to write creatively, so academic papers took over. By the end of the semester, I was crazy with the need to write something, anything creative.

Over spring break (February 28^th to March 8^th) I was home with my parents, and the very first day I was there, my dad and I had a lengthy conversation about the future. At that point I had still been sure about my Master’s-in-Psych decision, and I told this to him. He squinted his eyes a little and gave a small smile, saying he thought years ago that my idea was that creative writing is the capstone and psychology was going to be a helper in that realm. Writing was the Pacific Ocean and psychology was just one of the many rivers that eventually leads into it. Instead, psychology had taken over, in retrospect I think because I had career-minded thinking and had already written off using a creative writing major as a potential future career.

Funny how people on the outside have more insight into my own mind.

Later in the realization week I got Chinese take out for dinner. I happened to walk out with two fortune cookies and for some reason only cracked open one. The fortunes was unsurprisingly inconsequential and irrelevant.

On Sunday I got the urge to crack open the other one, just because. I hadn’t even planned to eat it. The message inside made me roll my eyes and smile.

God finds himself hilarious.

And I blessedly find myself in the arms of pure contentment. 

Il Fine: My Return from Italy

Heyo~

(by the way, the title is pronounced "ill feen-ay" - it's Italian, obviously ;) )

Well I feel like quite a dunce. How did I think it was okay to write all these blogposts about my adventures in Italy and then not write one last post about my journey home, to wrap things up? Silly, that’s what it is – extremely silly.

I figure it’s better than nothing to write about it now, because there was quite a lot that went on that I think would make a good story (in the way that my traipsing through Italy, totally lost, with wet and cold shoes for hours is a “good story”) however, there will probably be some details that I’ll leave out simply because it’s been months. I must say, though, that I do remember very much about the 24 hours revolving around and during my trip, I suppose because I was hyper vigilant and super excited to be getting home.

I guess let’s begin, shall we?

The week of May 25^th was finals week, and I was determined to blast through all of them no sweat (and I did). Two were on Monday, and the other two were back-to-back Wednesday morning, so I was completely and officially done with the academic realm of my semester abroad at 11:30AM, two and a half entire days before my flight. Honestly, and I told some of my classmates this when they asked me if I was staying longer, if I had known my last final was Wednesday before noon, I would have had my plane ticket booked for the earliest flight after that on Wednesday. However, I didn’t know the exam schedule, and neither did I know when I bought the plane tickets that I’d be wanting to get home so bad to see a certain someone and my family. I played it safe and scheduled the flight well after finals would be over.

Well, that left me two and a half days to pack and sleep and essentially just wait for the blasted time for me to leave for the airport.

I ended up packing the afternoon of Wednesday, because I was just that excited by the prospect, even though I was exhausted from my morning of exams. My big bag, carry on, and back pack were preliminarily packed before I even ate lunch!

What in the heck was I supposed to do all day Thursday AND most of the day Friday?!

It was maddening, truly.

Wednesday evening I went out to get pizza with my two closest friends I had made while abroad (the Argentinian, Sophia, and the Australian, Elizabeth) as a sort of farewell after exams, since everything was wrapping up. I ate so much.

I regret nothing.

Thursday morning I got up at noon. What? Sleep made the time go faster, and also, I like sleep, though it doesn’t seem to like me as much.

That day I wrote up a to-do list and it consisted of very basic things, but it kept me a little busy, at least. Using the remaining food tickets I had, I wandered to the grocery store only a four-minute walk from my apartment and bought a bunch of Italian goodies to bring home and bestow upon my family. I’d bought some fun trinkets in Venice, like magnets and such, but these were consumables. Tasty, tasty consumables.

I mainly bought a ton of Lindt chocolate bars (dark chocolate, the 85% stuff for my parents and brother, because they go through it like crazy), these chocolate and hazelnut bars called “bueno bars” (they really like the flavor hazelnut in Italy, I found), and two 750ml bottles of the best, most delicious olive oil I had cooked with, for my mom, because she started being an olive oil snob so I figured some 100% Italian, made-in-Italy oil would make her happy (these bottles were thick glass and also very heavy). I wish I could have safely brought back some Italian Coca-Cola, because that stuff was heavenly, somehow even better than the stuff in Peru (sorry! Inca Cola still holds my heart though <3 o:p="">

After bringing all that home, I rearranged my bags a little to fit everything in, so I was already at the point of only needing to pack my toiletries and other last-minute items that I still needed to use before I set off on Friday evening.

Using the remaining olive oil I had bought for the kitchen, I decided to do a homemade olive oil hair treatment that supposedly helps keep it healthy and makes it feel nice (confirmed: it does). So I sat for a while at my computer with a towel around my shoulders like a cape and a plastic bag wrapping up my hair.

I made lunch (pasta – surprise!) and played Pokémon Yellow on an emulator while watching old episodes of the original Pokémon series online before showering for a nice long while and rinsing out the olive oil.

I basically bided my time by Pokémoning for hours and hours until I got tired enough to fall asleep. Friday morning I awoke with nervous and excited energy vibrating in my limbs. The hours until lift off were counting down, and that’s when I realized that time is actually pretty reliable – it will always move forward. Sometimes it will feel slower or faster, but it will never go backward, it will always continue, and I clutched to this idea. Steadfastly.

I had to force myself to eat lunch before I finalized packing and making sure everything was weighed decently. This is when things started to get…interesting.

Using the scales I had dragged out of the bathroom, I hefted up my bags one at a time to see around what they weighed in at, and both my carry on (which would actually serve as my second checked bag) and my massive bag were each either right at 50lbs or a little over, and this made me nervous. I didn’t want to leave anything behind (there wasn’t really anything I could without feeling bad) so I prayed the lady at the check in counter in the airport wouldn’t be so focused on the exactness of the weight. When I checked in to go to Italy back in February, seeing how much my bags weighed seemed to be the least of their worries, so I desperately hoped this remained the case.

By around 4pm I was as happy as I would ever be with packing, and started the final preparations before leaving, which meant taking out the garbage and recycling as well as cleaning out the fridge of things that would go bad. I grabbed up my bags, and by quarter to 5, I was outta there.

And so, with a 50lb bag handle grasped in each hand and a 20lb backpack slung over my shoulders, I was rolling down the street on my way to the metro.

Here’s where things get a little complicated.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, the public transportation system in Italy is known for strikes, and one just so happened to pop up on Friday. The day I needed the metro to be functioning fine to get to the train station to get to the airport.

It turns out that the metro was only going to be operating between about 3 and 6pm all day. That was it. My flight would leave after midnight, so I only needed to be at the airport by 9. This provided a frustratingly tiny, and early, window for me.

So I built up my courage, and lugged those bags like it was nothing down the sidewalk and down the stairs into the metro. I stuffed myself like the Ricotta cheese inside of Manicotti in the train car with my massive bulk, which earned me many a frown, but I seriously could not care less, because I was in the process of getting home, and no one would scare me out of doing that successfully.

When it was my stop, I shoved my way through everyone before the doors locked me in. There was no elevator at this stop, so I bolstered all my 110lb strength (yes the combined weight of all my bags outweighed me) and dragged them up the steps. There was a man behind me on the train, probably only a few years older than me, who was walking up the stairs and he gave me a look, shook his head as he muttered a soft Italian word, and grabbed the handle of my biggest bag to help me get it up the steps.

I was sweating profusely already, and was very appreciative of his help. My arms were already screaming at me, and while the hardest part of the journey was over, there was still much to come. I was managing okay, and yes, I could have been smarter about this whole thing. Oh well.

I waited in line at the train station, and of course as I’m rolling along I am getting all these strange looks because the sight really must have been amusing and yet terrifying. Got my ticket, and off toward the turnstiles I went.

I had to time sliding the ticket into the slot with ramming my bags between the automatic swinging doors because the window was small (obviously they assume there only needs to be enough time for one body to get through), so I hurriedly jammed myself through without much fault.

Except for the fact that I left my ticket on the other side.

I had learned from my experience on this train coming into Italy from the airport that you needed it to verify to the guys that came around checking tickets that you had legitimately bought one and weren’t just taking a free ride, so of course I started panicking. What would they do if they realized I didn’t have a ticket? I had the receipt of the purchase, but would that be enough to explain my cause? Could they toss me off the train at the nearest stop? Could they send me back? What would they do?

It must have been rush hour for the train, because there were absolutely no seats left in any of the cars, and it was standing room only (barely). I ended up cramming my bags into the designated area for luggage, and actually sat on top of them underneath the rack, so that I was under the window and all I could see was knees and feet. I hoped that the fact I was in with the luggage would deter anyone from looking for me there, so I wouldn’t have to show a ticket. It was a weak argument, I know, but I was desperate. Aside from that, I prayed the entire way that no one would come around verifying tickets. Honestly it was way too packed for them to have gotten to everyone, anyway. I grasped to this.

I had been trembling more or less since the threshold of my apartment, with excitement and also blatant nervousness. There were so many variables at play in getting from my apartment to the airport that many things could easily go wrong, and I was deathly afraid of this. All I wanted was to get home, but it wasn’t so easy as clicking some high heels together and hoping with all my heart.

Thankfully I made it to the airport stop without having to cry and explain myself to the train guys, so in my relief, I rolled off the train with tired arms and banged up knees and up the elevator, following signs for Aeroflot and where the check in desk would be for my flight.

It was maybe 6-7pm when I got there and found a place to settle in, sit down, and take a breather. I had several hours to kill before my plane would take off, so I turned on my iPod and watched a movie I had loaded onto it (Eat, Pray, Love – how fitting, right?). After a couple hours of rest, I wandered upstairs to the check in desks and found some chairs right by where Aeroflot would be once the time came, found some wifi, and excitedly logged on to report to my parents how things were going.

(^^ Casually-taken "selfie" at the airport.)

It was quarter to 11pm when the desk finally opened and I got checked in. This didn’t leave me enough time to comfortably get through security, but I couldn’t do much about it.

I waited in line anxiously, trying to get a reading on how closely the ladies were checking the weight of the bags of people in front of me. The lady I got didn’t give a crap, she told me to load both my checked bags on the scale at the same time, tagged them, and I watched them go. Another relieved breath, and some more tension unraveled from my shoulders.

It took me 14 minutes to breeze through all of security and get to my gate. The airport wasn’t busy whatsoever – I never had to wait in those bothersome lines where people were unlacing their shoes and accidentally walking through the metal detectors with keys and change still in their pockets so that the rest of us become impatient and irate.

Everything was suddenly so uncomplicated, ever since I had let my checked bags go, and I really distinctly felt that I was meant to be going home. Nothing was in my way, and everything that could have very effortlessly gone wrong, did not. A path was being cleared for me and I was sprinting headlong down it.

(Gate "selfie." See that joy? Yeah.)

I watched another movie while waiting at my gate, and thankfully found an outlet to perch by. Once this plane took off, I’d be headed to my long layover in Moscow, but the flight itself didn’t take long at all.

I managed to get some crappy shuteye on the flight, but since I was still so hyped with the nervous/excited energy, I knew sleeping was going to be a tough thing to wrangle up, and anyway, the brevity of the flight didn’t allow me enough time to get very deep.

I got into Moscow and at my next gate somewhere between 6:30-7:30AM Saturday, Moscow time (it was 10:30PM our time, Friday). For three hours, I read a book on my phone and listened to music alongside many others who had arrived for the long layover. It was at this point that I felt my shoulders really beginning to complain about the load of my backpack, as well as the fact that bruises were starting to appear on my shins and knees from kicking around my bags to get them rolling. My arms were limp noodles jammed into my shoulder sockets from dragging those hefty things around.

(Do I look tired?)

Needless to say, I was going to be exceedingly grateful once I finally was able to unpack and say bye bye to those bags for a while.

One of the most quirky and fun things about flying back from Moscow was the fact that my plane was leaving at 10:25AM, Saturday, and I landed in Virginia at noon:50, Saturday. The flight was 10-11 hours long, but I was landing what would seem like two and a half hours later.

Time zones, man.

As we hopped back across the time zones, I experienced 11 o’clock for several hours in a row. It felt like some Doctor Who stuff was going on.

Unsurprisingly, the flight took forever. I knew time would keep moving forward, as I said earlier, but man did it tease me so hard. It was like someone fat-fingered the slow-mo button or something. I tried reading, but that didn’t pass the time like I wanted it to. I tried sleeping, but that was difficult and also didn’t pass the time very well.

My eyes were incredibly dry from the recycled cabin air and the person next to me’s foot kept slipping under the armrest and pressing against my thigh (she was kind of curled up into a ball). The time was ticking by, but it could not come fast enough.

Praise the Lord I landed at 12:30, twenty whole minutes earlier than planned! My fingers were shaking so much as I texted my mom officially declaring that I was back on US soil. My heart thundered in my chest, threatening to pry open my ribs and spring free.

I was so ready to reconnect with them that I honestly had to restrain myself from shoving through people that were moving too slow, because I had waited over 100 days for that day, and I would not sacrifice one more minute if I could help it.

At 1:30, after taxiing, tram-riding, and passport-control-clearing, I got my luggage and wheeled down the hallway, stomach so full to the brim with butterflies it was becoming difficult to breathe properly. I could sense that they were all nearby, and I yearned so hard to round that final corner and see them.

I sped through two propped open double doors into a big room with bright lights, and when I turned, the tears came, and I ran.

My parents and brother were waiting in a little pod not too far away. I ignored my screaming arms, burning eyes, and somersaulting stomach, and booked it across the broad floor. I threw the handles from my hands and jumped into my dad’s arms, the bags falling to the floor with two loud cracks.

It was real. I was home.

I was home.

I hugged my brother and my mother, who held me much like my dad, with strong embraces and tearfully joyous words murmured into my ear.

Italy was great and wonderful, don’t get me wrong – I learned quite a bit about myself, among many other things – but my heart wasn’t completely happy while I was there. Now, standing in the airport, in the company of my family, my heart was dancing uncontrollably on my ribcage doubling as a dance floor. The bliss was so immense, I drowned in it, with pleasure.

Nothing could take that teary smile from my face.

Ciao, Italia, and hello home.