Addressing Skepticism

     My most recent relationship status has caused quite a buzz. Mostly excited and supportive responses thankfully, but I know there are skeptics among you. I do not blame you for this as a reaction. From the outside looking in, I believe it is warranted. Therefore I decided to give a brief window into what it’s like from the inside looking out. Allow me to jump right in.
     Let me make something clear from the outset: we don’t “complete” each other; it’s insulting to the other person to claim that until now, me without him or him without me we were incomplete, unfinished and the only way to be complete is to invite each other into our lives in an intimate way. That’s silly. The idea of “soul mates” is far from a biblical concept – it’s a romantically pressured one perpetuated by society. To all you single guys and gals, I’m sorry – it’s an impossible standard to achieve, and one many believe in.
     While we don’t endorse the soul mate concept, we do have our ways of describing the rapid depth of our connection. So far the best (and still unworthy) explanation I’ve conjured up is that he and I have recognized pieces of our own souls in each other; we have discovered a divine similarity between us. Personally I think Joseph portrayed it best when he said, “We are almost analogous to male and female permutations of the same soul.”
     These claims have provided the vehicle for us to transcend time itself. This experience has been incomparably ethereal. Between meeting Joseph on the 4th of March and my day trip to Baltimore to see him about a week later felt like a lifetime. It has been three weeks since we met, and from then till now has also felt a lifetime long. We have compacted a larger span of time into a smaller temporal container. Time is, like many things, relative. Our three weeks are nowhere near the same as yours. We understand each other on a level that has never existed before due to its impossibility.
     We transcended time, and continue to. I have never thought so clear or felt my mind so broad and challenged by anything, let alone a single individual. It may seem as if we’ve hurried into things, but there has been absolutely no rush. From the outside looking in, the pace is breakneck, but that’s the nature of our organic timeline. It’s like in algebra – when you know all the rules of the equation you solve it quickly, almost automatically, especially compared to when you were first getting acquainted with how every variable fit together. We’ve learned the rules, and this is the product of our combined equations.
     When I was younger and beginning to grasp the gravity of finding God's best for me, I often asked my parents to describe how it felt for them to get to know each other, and when they decided that they wanted to be together forever. This is a common question with an indescribable answer, and the common clichéd and useless-at-the-time response is typically, “you just know. When you find the right person, you just know it,” or “you feel as if on top of the world!” Being the way that I am, this always frustrated me; I wanted a checklist, or a litmus test or something. Rules to rely on. This feeling of “just knowing” seemed improbable and impossible. What if I didn't realize it? What if I somehow missed it? It all became complicated and worrisome. I was incredibly skeptical of it.
     Until now.
     Now I understand completely what they meant. Because I feel it. The indescribable feeling is in me. I “just know.”
     And I am so achingly certain of it that I would stake my life on it.
     It’s insane, I know. But having previous romantic pursuits to compare to throws this in stark contrast when placed next to all the others. It has far surpassed even the wildest expectations I could imagine.
     Neither of us went to EPA intending to meet anyone in this way, and yet here we are. We were not searching, and yet we found. We are swaddled in God’s divinity, cradled in His palms, and I have never been so certain of something in my life. (Yes, it even rivals my certainty concerning my passions for creative writing.)
     I wrote in my post from 2013 “Infernal Love Triangle Devices” that I was confident when God brought my future husband into the picture, the man He had hand-selected for me, I would know it. To quote the post exactly, “…I’m very particular about the qualities and lifestyle choices of the man I will marry in the future. … I, someone who always tries to have the lowest of expectations, am expecting a lot of the man for me. This makes it very easy for me to believe that once I find him, it won’t be long before I know he’s the one. God knows what I’m looking for and what I need, so once I’ve recognized all that, it will be obvious.” Such confidence!
     I know my expectations, standards, and requirements were tricky for any one mortal to score high on altogether. But I had finally seriously entrusted the worry about my future husband to God, surrendering the last thread I was white-knuckling. It did not need to be my responsibility to hunt for this man. If I truly believed all things were possible, God would have me covered. Obedience and trust were the only things expected of me. So I relinquished my human need to control, folded my hands in my lap, and made peace about waiting patiently for God to move. I had done my part, and He would certainly do His.
     The fruits were almost instant. God is faithful, y’all. His promises are far from empty.
     Earlier in the week leading up to EPA I did a lot of praying and ultimately let go of this obsession with stepping in front of God and arranging my future as if I knew better than him. (I don’t deserve his unflinching forgiveness.) Then, mere days later, enter Lightning Boy (aka Joseph). Unbelievable.
     I’ve always been skeptical of “just knowing.” Now I truly understand. It’s the closest thing to enlightenment, to Heaven, on this side of death.

Crazy Little Thing

For Joseph. The poet in me is no longer starving for inspiration.

Enter Lightning Boy, I

I was running for cover when you struck me.

Unexpected whip crack flashed my retinas, constricting pupils, and rang in the echoless open field. Heart stuttering, knees sloppy, my back kissed damp earth. You opened a door in the churning sky and walked to me on a path of illumination, offering a healing hand that blossomed open to show me forever. No conditions; just a bouquet of love and peace and rationality served on a blessed silver platter.

Enter Lightning Boy, II

I, the toiling
mathematician; you
the chalk dust 
burrowing in fingerprint
ridges – together
we harness genius,
the blackboard
of our calloused hands,
and drive toward
the indecipherable
equation of affection.

After numerous cold years
stinking of sweat 
mingled and hollowed, 
these hallowed 
walls of our minds churned
and finally
the variables click into place,
numbers flash together 
like old friends.

Dear Future Husband

(à la Robert Morgan, Dark Energy) 

Love me like Jesus loves the church.

Affirm your commitment with words;

songs or poems or handwritten

letters. Buy me office supplies:

pens and notebooks and notes that stick.

Curl my belly with your witty

morbidity, and don’t forget

to let the dog in at night. Live

with passionate ambition, tell

me every tiny detail while

I whip up two mugs of fresh brewed

tea. Be a reader, sponsor my

love of language. Activate your

soul’s depth with exercise; please join

my yoga sessions later in

the morning. Don’t make a habit

of spitting, and pay attention

to the sidewalk under your boots,

the drumming patterns of raindrops.

Remember to treasure me all

of our lives, for someday, darling,

when dim stars edge the ebbing blush,

I will return to ash and dust.

Journal Entry//Red Flag

April 7, 2015

9:25 pm

The Pit

Braid a rope of I-Love-You's,

fasten it to futility.

The streetlights don't reach down here - 

neither does your hope.

The Fate of the Sleeping Dame

On the edge of the countryside there lay a modest kingdom, fighting to remain in existence. King Frederick and Queen Aveline, the kind monarchs, were beginning to grow older and uglier. They had no children; Aveline was barren and could not bear a child and because of this, she fell into a deep depression that no one could shake her from. The only way for their kingdom to flourish once they were gone was for a child of theirs to marry into another kingdom, but since this could not be so the townsfolk wept and mourned in despair, knowing they would have to find somewhere else to live without their beloved king and queen.

One beautiful spring day while Aveline was wandering around in the wood as a therapeutic way to cope with her deep set depression, a frog hopped across her path and gazed up at her with bulging wet eyes. She sighed and made to move around it, but it sprung up and clutched her leg with its slimy feet. Shrieking, she kicked it off and attempted to stomp it into the dirt, but a voice stopped her.

“Dear Queen, do not be afraid! I bear news - good news, great news! Calm yourself and you shall receive it,” said the frog.

The Queen screamed again, but the rumbling voice of the frog caught her ear with a few specific words.

“Within the next year you shall bear a child, the most beautiful girl in all the kingdoms, and then you shall keep your own kingdom alive,” the frog continued. “She shall marry a prince and bring you glory.”

Aveline ran back to the castle and bolted herself into her chamber, equivocating whether to believe the words of the frog or not. Finally she decided it couldn’t hurt to believe she could bear a child, although for all her years she could not, and told the news of her stroll to the king. His reaction was the same as hers – it couldn’t be possible and yet, what have they got to lose in believing the words of this frog? Anything could happen – magic was not unheard of throughout the kingdoms.

A few months passed and it seemed that the frog’s words were coming true. The queen’s belly became swollen with a child. Through the duration of the pregnancy, Aveline’s depression lifted and she was as joyful as ever. The king was delighted to see this change and held a great banquet for when the child was born; he invited everyone in the kingdom, even the seven Elder Faeries. However, the king decided against fetching the Elder Faerie that was nearly on the outskirts of the kingdom, as she had wronged the monarchs more than she had helped. The last thing he wanted was for something to go wrong and have their precious child given an abhorrent gift.

The day finally came and Aveline birthed the radiant baby girl, naming her Aurora. She was darling, with eyes like the summer sky and hair of light silk. The king and queen instantly fell in love with her and wanted to show everyone what a gift she was. And so the banquet was held, filling up the dining hall to the brim with happy folk, music, and food. Soon the time came for the Elder Faeries to bestow their gifts upon Aurora and in turn each one gazed upon the babe and gave her virtue, beauty, and riches among other things. The seventh was preparing to give her gift when the doors to the hall burst open, revealing the uninvited Elder Faerie.

“It seems you have started the festivities without me,” she purred, hobbling toward Aurora’s cradle. She squinted her beady eyes at the child and sneered. “Since you have deigned invite me, dear King, I shall bestow your darling child with the most glorious gift I can give. On her eighteenth birthday, she will give into her curiosity and prick her finger upon a spinning wheel, falling down dead.”

The gathered crowd gasped and began shouting protests which the Elder Faerie quieted with a glare. She wheezed out a horrific laugh as she watched the terror on the king’s and queen’s faces. Aveline stumbled over to the cradle to hold her child close to her bosom. The Elder Faerie disappeared in the blink of an eye and left the hall speechless.

The seventh Elder Faerie spoke softly, reminding them that she still had something to give. The king pleaded with her to take back what the uninvited Elder Faerie had done, but the seventh said it could not be done. She could only soften the sentence. With that, she turned the fate of death into a deep sleep that only an expression of true love could break. Immediately following this, the king ordered every spinning wheel to be burned.

As Aurora grew up, her parents kept a very close eye on her, which she despised greatly. They never allowed her to wander further than the castle walls even when she longed to venture through the woods and explore. Her heart was caged and she didn’t have many friends – this made her crazy and depressed much like her mother before.

At last, one of the maids that had come from a distant kingdom to work at the castle decided to sneak little Aurora outside in order to let her be free. However, she did not know about the spinning wheel and Aurora’s fate, so she thought the King and Queen were being exceedingly harsh on the poor teenager when she so much desired just to go outside and dance among the trees. Every night she heard her longing and crying out to the starry sky to take her away. Her soul was trapped and needed the nourishment that freedom provided. The maid pitied her and so disguised her as a maid and let her out the back toward the forest. Aurora thanked her continuously, her face lighting up in a way that the maid had never seen before.

Aurora ran into the forest and threw herself down upon a pile of leaves, giggling with joy. The creatures of the forest were attracted to her and enjoyed the freedom with her, jumping around and twittering along with her songs. She loved it so much that when she returned to the castle, she begged the maid to let her go out at least once every week, to which the woman agreed. What harm would be done? She was just a curious child in need of the adventure.

Every Tuesday evening when the king and queen were occupied in a meeting, the maid snuck Aurora out. One night, Aurora ran into a boy about her age in the wood playing much like she was. At first she didn’t know how to react, but then he smiled at her, stuck his hand in the mud by the stream he had been playing in, and threw it at her. A mud fight began between the youngsters and instantly they were friends. When it was time for them to leave, they promised they would meet each other in the wood every Tuesday and play.

This pattern carried on until they were older, Aurora on the edge of eighteen and the boy, Philippe, nearly twenty. All that time, however, neither of them thought it important to disclose that they were heirs to their respective kingdoms – in their eyes they were just friends, not a prince and princess. Aurora’s parents and Philippe’s parents had no idea of their relationship.

On Aurora’s eighteenth birthday a huge feast was held in her honor and she received many gifts. It was a fun day, but she couldn’t stop thinking of Philippe and wishing he were there to celebrate with her, but of course she could not tell her parents about him. That would lead to many questions she didn’t want to answer and she didn’t want to get the gracious maid in trouble.

That evening, after everything was over, Aurora went up to her bed chamber and got dressed for the night. She walked out onto her balcony to overlook the forest that had helped raise her and noticed a door that she couldn’t recall ever being there before. She crossed the balcony and opened it, stepping lightly up the spiral staircase until she reached the top. There in the room sat a spinning wheel, but she didn’t know what it was. Finding the thing wondrous and intriguing, she went over to it and examined it, running her hands over the wheel until she accidentally poked her finger on the needle. She fell to the ground, eyes closed, chest moving slowly up and down. It wasn’t until morning when her mother was calling her down to breakfast that she was found. Aveline wept as the servants laid Aurora down in her bed.

In the next Tuesday that passed, Philippe awaited Aurora’s presence for hours, wondering where she could be. Having watched her go in a specific direction when she left, he sought her out. At last he came upon a kingdom where the castle was overgrown with thorns. He found this strange, but when he ventured further into the town, the people all seemed very sad. He asked for Aurora many times and each person turned their face away in sorrow. Confused and frustrated, he thought perhaps he could get an audience with the monarchs, seeing as he was a prince, and ask them if they knew of the girl.

A handful of people were standing outside the thorn castle looking very grim. He approached them and introduced himself. The king and queen came forth, eyes red and cheeks sad, and inquired what a prince from his kingdom wanted there.

“Aurora,” he said firmly. “I am searching for a girl by the name of Aurora. Do you know where I might find her?”

Aveline began to weep and the king consoled her before turning piercing eyes on the boy. A short interrogation was had and Philippe confessed he had been seeing her in the forest every Tuesday. The king told him that she was unreachable and in a deep sleep; he’d have to forget her and move on. Philippe, determined now because of the impossibility, asked him which room was hers and promised to save her. Frederic, at the end of his rope, allowed the boy his permission but held the sinking hope in his heart that he would die trying.

Philippe borrowed a horse, galloped back to his kingdom and gathered a small force with weapons to cut through the thick thorns surrounding the castle. In haste, he returned and began hacking away, steadfast and certain he would prevail. The rest of the men in his force didn’t have much luck, but Philippe managed to find a doorway and chopped with his sword until it gave. He stormed through the dining hall and searched the castle, never stopping even when more thorns grew up ferociously through the ground and tore at his clothes and skin.

Finally he got to Aurora’s chambers, blood dripping from multiple gashes over his body, one coloring his cheek. When he gazed upon her he smiled, and said, “Aurora…all that time we spent in the wood and I could never tell you, but now, I have no fear. I love you, Little Briar-Rose, and I want you to be my Queen.”

Caught up in the passion, he bent over and kissed her delicately on the lips. Her blue eyes slowly opened and cleared themselves of sleep and when she saw him, she smiled too.

“Philippe,” she murmured, “that would make me so very happy.”

Immediately the thorns withered and died away, leaving the castle free once more and the town rejoiced, knowing the spell was broken. Both kingdoms were overjoyed that their only children had found love and didn’t hesitate to throw a wedding. Aurora and Philippe were married and their kingdoms became one. They lived on happily for the rest of their days, always taking time to walk through the woods that had brought them together.

---------

A creative assignment written for my English class last semester. We had to take a fairy tale and modernize it/put our own twist on it. As is obvious, I chose Sleeping Beauty, which is probably my favorite fairy tale. 

The tone is supposed to be a bit silly and out there - hopefully I did it right. Anyway, enjoy.

V 

Dormancy

Heya,
So I haven't been writing a whole lot lately and I'm thinking it's mostly because I've got a large idea stewing around in my head and I don't want to write anything on it/write anything else to pollute it. Well anyway, this is something I wrote the other night at least concerning a couple of the main characters. It's not really apart of the story in any way.

Till next time,
Vicki

---

The smoke filled her lungs. The gunfire unloaded into her mind. Her chest grew cold and hot simultaneously. Blood oozed.

Her vision blurred and came sharply back into focus – she closed her eyes against the suddenness of it all.

When she opened her eyes again she realized she was lying in the mud. When did I fall?

Rapid, frantic feet raced toward her and warm arms cradled her.

“Riley? God, Riley, can you hear me?” a quivering voice whispered. Hopeful.

She’d been parched of hope for a long time. He’d find none with her.

She nodded and realized how difficult it was, how much strength it took.  A surge of lethargy washed over her and she slumped into him more.

She felt as if she was watching it all unfold from above, as if she didn’t really exist and was a passing spirit, pausing for a moment to see. To see the unbecoming of a powerful boy.

“Why does it have to end like this?” she heard him murmur brokenly. “I can’t ever make it in time to save you, I can never beat the clock.  No matter how hard I try, it’s like running into a brick wall.“

“Fixed point,” she slurred slowly. He clutched her harder, closer, as if that would banish her words. She could smell his effort – all the grime and dirt and sweat he endured to get to her. Pity it was all wasted.

“I just want you to come home with me, to come back home and laugh with me, tell me I’m doing it wrong, tell me you can’t understand me sometimes,” he said. She could hear his throat closing up. Liquid warmth seeped into her shoulder and she realized he was actually crying.

“I feel no pain, Malachi,” she said feebly. Her mind was beginning to go fuzzy the more she felt blood ooze. It painted his shirt red, but he didn’t care. Who really cares about stains when your love is dying in your arms?

“Good,” he choked out, partially in relief and partially to humor her. He began to tremble against her body and she wanted to comfort him, but there was no strength and no ground to stand on. What could she say to make him feel better, anyway?

“I love you.”

He sobbed.

I guess that wasn’t the right angle, she thought as her mind began to drop off completely. She was being whisked away with the wind.

“I love you, too. I’ll miss you,” he replied as steadily as he could manage. His body gave him away.

“Yeah,” she whispered. “Me too.”

He felt her heart stutter and stop against his soaked chest. It rattled finality throughout his entire being and he started to realize she was dead and he could never bring her back. From the place she was going he couldn’t retrieve her.

Grab What Matters Most & Don't Forget to Hold it Dear

“Okay,” she began, putting her hands palms out towards the floor. “If this house caught on fire and you only had a few seconds to think and grab for something near you, what would you take?” She looked at him and waited patiently for his answer. His eyebrow quirked and he glanced back at her. “If this house caught on fire…?” He echoed as if he hadn’t heard correctly.

“You’re silly, you know that?” He asked back at her. She put her hands on her hips in reply while simultaneously trying to keep a smile from giving away her amusement. He rolled his eyes playfully and turned to scan the room for objects that he might consider sprinting out of the burning building with. If that were to ever happen, of course.

He pondered, his eyes lingering for a period of time on each object before moving on to the next. “I dunno…if I had to risk a few seconds that could possibly cost me my life to grab something and run, I don’t really see anything here that’s that important to me…”

“C’mon hon, you can think of something. This is all for play anyway. You don’t have to try too hard. Think of something you love and couldn’t live without.” She prodded gently.

A bright, figurative light bulb binged on atop his head and he smiled at the sudden genius.

“Well, there is one thing that I’d risk my life for…” He spun around and swiftly pulled Violet off her feet and into his arms bridal style. Surprise graced her face, but only for a moment once she realized what had happened. “Oh no, honey, the house is burning down! Grab what you can and run!” He yelled while she giggled, looping her arms around his neck. He ran to the two doorways screaming in a whisper and saying, “Ahhhhh! This exit’s blocked! That exit’s blocked! Honey, honey what are we gonna do?”

She smiled up at him that smile that she gives when he’s being silly but it’s still entertaining to her all the same. “We’ll just be trapped in here. We’ll burn to death and die in each other’s arms.” She had taken on a melodramatic tone for effect. She even had the back of her hand on her forehead.

Walking over to the couch, he gently lay down and shifted her on top of him until she was laying her head on his chest. “In each other’s arms…” He repeated quietly, squeezing his own tight around her body. He looked deep into her eyes and smiled crookedly.

“That’s got to be the best way to die.”

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Some fun fluff for you. Yay for fluffy fluffiness~!

Until next time,
~Vicki