Accident

I can't sleep. Tossing and turning, clamping my eyes shut only for them to flutter open sleeplessly again. I bury my tearstained face into the worn, tear blotted pillow beneath me, trying desperately to quiet the shrill sobs scratching at my throat. The pitch black darkness of my room suffocates me, but I don’t have the strength to pull myself up and flip on the light switch. The silence surrounds me; it scares me to death only because it screams the truth: I am alone. As I lay here in a feebly tangled heap of blankets and body parts, unable to sleep and crying like a despairing insomniac, I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to die.

Do we get swept away under the relentlessly crushing black oblivion, our bodies melting away from our souls which begin flitting around mindlessly like faeries trapped in little glowing orbs? Or do our entire beings; mind, body, soul, get erased from the system called life, deleted like broken computer programs? Or, even, do we get copied and the duplicate of ourselves is like a ghostly reflection and we all transfer to a kind of waiting room where we anticipate our turn for being judged by God? No one knows for sure what happens after our hearts stop beating.

I wish he could come back and tell me so I know. I wish he could just come back. Fresh tears spilled from my eyes as I pathetically bit my lip against the cascading waterfall. Why couldn’t that red truck have been more careful?

The whole scene played out perfectly in my head again, as it had so many times before.

I shivered, rapidly rubbing my gloved hands up and down my arms to try and ward off the cold. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I breathed out a visibly translucent sigh of air. “Where is he? If he doesn’t get here soon he’ll be late for his meeting.” I whispered to the night air, a lazy gust of wind brushing past me, sending unwelcome chills up my spine. I hurriedly slid back the fuzzy sleeve of my coat to check my watch. I sighed again. “What’s taking him so long? He’s already ten minutes late. Maybe I should call him…” I voiced my thoughts to the icy air.

“I’ll call him." I concluded, reaching my hand into my purse to rummage around for my phone. Breathing on my frozen extremity to warm up my fingers, I poked out his number on the lit keypad. Holding it to my ear, I waited while listening to the rings. Once, twice, three times... "Hey babe, sorry I'm late. I'll be there in a few minutes." I smiled; it sounded like he had been expecting my call. "Alright honey. Drive safe; I hear there's patches of ice everywhere on the road. See you soon, love you!" I replied quickly, wanting him to focus on driving. "Love you too, see you soon." The line cut out.

I flipped the phone shut with a snap and slid it back into my purse. I quickly rubbed my hands together and breathed on them to defrost my poor, stiffly frozen fingers. I stood there like this for only a few more minutes as the wind bit at my ears and nose.

A smile broke out between my rosy cheeks as I saw his car shoot around the bend. I felt the wind from a red truck that had just sped past lightly push against me and I watched it zoom in the opposite direction that Lyric was going in.

What I saw next will always be burned into the backs of my eyelids; a memory I will never be able to forget even if I wanted so desperately to.

Then a sound met my ears. It was not a pleasant sound. I gasped as I watched the wheels of the red truck spin, sliding and unable to stop as it hit a deadly patch of black ice. The sound of squealing tires filled my ears as I screamed "No!" As much as I felt the urge to run, to do something, I couldn't; I was utterly rooted to the spot, only able to look on and watch what happened next.

Lyrics car swerved as wide as it could, tires screeching in protest to the huge arc, trying desperately to dodge the spinning and out-of-control truck, but unfortunately it wasn't enough.

The two cars collided with each other in a flash of silver and red; a horrible crunching boom rang through the trees and off the mountains. The silver car was launched sideways by the red truck, briefly hanging in the air before smashing to the pavement on its top, rolling and spinning in a ceaselessly dangerous tumble. Awful scraping noises shrieked from the silver car as it finally skidded to a halt. The red truck had only spun a few 360’s before smashing front first into a tree 20 feet from the silver car.

Then the road was ringing with a haunting silence.

I stood there, speechless and utterly terrified. I couldn't feel my feet or make them move; I stood rooted to the spot, trembling. I managed to get a hold of myself enough to shove my hand into my purse and shakily rip out my phone. It fell from my quivering hand and onto the frozen ground; I swore loudly. Crouching quickly to pick it up, I jabbed my numb finger at the numbers 9-1-1, hurriedly putting it to my ear.

I was finally able to move my feet, surging forwards and losing my balance. I fell face first, catching myself on my free hand, cursing loudly again as I scrambled up to my quaking feet. I ran to the silver car, the shrill ringing of the phone intruding into my ear. My heart pounded against my ribs, fluttering like a winged thing trapped in a cage. My mind raced with dark, terrifying possibilities.

What if...he was dead?

"Hello, 9-1-1, what is the emergency?" A calm, business toned lady asked me, making me jump at the sudden voice. "Um, there's been a cr-crash. P-please send help immediately. T-two people inside damaged v-vehicles." I replied shakily, tears filling my eyes. "What is you location?" The business tone asked me again. I spun towards the stop sign and read our whereabouts to her, stammering and trembling as I spoke. "Help is on the way." The lady replied. I snapped the phone shut and shoved it back into my purse. I threw myself to the ground by the driver’s side window of the silver car, crouching on shards of glass and twisted metal. They cut sharply into my skin, making it cry crimson tears, but I didn't care.

"L-lyric?" I whispered hoarsely, hesitantly looking through the window. I cleared my throat roughly. "Lyric? Are you a-alright?" I asked again, this time louder. I reached my trembling hand up, poising it just over the window. I drew in a shaky breath and knocked. I heard an odd, gurgling and moaning noise come from inside the car. "Lyric? Hello?" I yelled louder through the window. The moaning sound greeted my ears again, but this time it was stronger.

I sprang up onto my feet with more grace than I thought I had, given the current circumstances, and tried yanking open the driver’s side door. To my luck, it was unlocked. I tore it open, falling to my knees to examine the damage and see how badly Lyric was hurt. I gasped, sharply sucking in a gust of air and put my hands to my face. “Oh my God.”

He was suspended upside down by his seatbelt, head almost touching the roof of the car. Blood was gushing from a wound on his head where it hit the windshield and a crimson waterfall was spilling from his mouth. His arm dangled, bloody and shirt ripped, over his head. It was more than likely broken from the impact of the red truck on the driver’s side. His whole dress shirt was dyed a sick scarlet color; you would’ve never known it had been white. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over as they scanned his broken and bloodied form. “Lyric, baby…” I whispered, reaching my arms out to him. His eyes slowly looked over at me and he made that dark, moaning sound again. I finally realized that the gurgling noise was because his mouth was full of blood when he tried speaking.

“What do I do? What do I do?” I jumped up, asking myself quickly, eyes wide and full of disbelief as I ran my hands through my disheveled locks. I heard sirens in the distance and prayed that they got here quickly. “Help is on the way, honey, just hold on.” I whimpered, collapsing to my knees again by his head as tears streamed relentlessly down my cheeks. I sobbed pathetically by Lyric’s helplessly trapped body. If I tried moving him it would only hurt him more, so I had to wait for the paramedics to get here. I hated feeling so…so useless. My love was injured and in pain and all I could do was watch and wait.

Useless.

The sirens shrieked their shrill cries as the ambulances approached, breaking through the frozen air surrounding the scene of the crash. All I could do when they stopped quickly near both vehicles was scoot back on shards of glass and watch with a tear-blurred gaze as they pulled Lyric’s body from the car with such precision and skill that no one other than a practiced paramedic could have achieved. One of the blue clad women walked over to me and kneeled by my pathetic form, asking me if I could tell them about what happened. I just broke down in sobs, feeling my throat going sore as they ripped from my lungs.

It had all happened so fast. Too fast.

His heart was still beating when they got him to the hospital and that was a very good sign. He had lost a lot of blood though, and that wasn’t the best of news. “He’s got a strong heart.” A doctor had told me while we were speed-walking down the white, overly clean hallways of the hospital that always smelled strongly of bleach. “If we can get him patched up quick enough, I’m sure he’ll be fine.” He had smiled at me, a reassuring smile that I’d imagined he gave to every other distraught relative of an injured loved one in the hospital. Although his words had been somewhat reassuring at the time, since I was no doctor I couldn’t verify whether he was sugar-coating it or telling me the cold hard truth, so I believed him.

He was wrong.

Lyric died in the hospital shortly after he got there. They underestimated how much blood he had lost and weren’t quick enough with patching him up. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or see him one last time while he was alive.

He was gone from me. Violently ripped away in a flash. Now all I’m left with is the pile of broken pieces that were once my heart cutting sharply into my hands and a lap full of cold tears.

What could be worse?