Control

     This week has been all over the place, and not always in a good way. While I try to consistently approach things knowing that I have nothing at all to complain about, there was a moment, a text, Thursday evening that knocked the wind right out of my sails. I was hanging out with a group of friends and it was so noticeable that my best friend pulled me aside and asked if everything was okay. She could read it plainly on my face.
     Yes, everything is honestly fine; some potential fun plans that I had been looking forward to since last Saturday changed drastically, and now my weekend is completely, utterly free. Harry Potter movie marathon, anyone? (No joke. I have them stacked by the TV, ready.)
     This isn’t the end of the world. I know this. Though as a planner, big last minute changes rock my world, leaving me reeling, so it took some time for me to come back to my center of balance. I fell asleep unhappy Thursday eve.
     In waking up yesterday morning, I told myself that it wasn’t the end of the world, truly. I’d had a bad moment, but I would not let that define my week. So I put on my gym clothes and smiled, pouring out those grimy thoughts along with the sweaty exertion of exercise.
     My message today is this: you have the power to determine how you feel. We all have bad days - it’s okay. It’s part of being human. But those bad days have absolutely not control over your mindset. Whenever you get thrown, pick up however many pieces have shattered at your feet, tell yourself it’s okay, and strut through the rest of the day or week like the majestic peacock you are. Your mindset matters, so make it positive.
     I leave you with a poem I wrote on a particularly rough day years ago and serves only as a reminder of how far I’ve come.
   Ta~

I
wish
I could choke
on stars
and implode
until there’s nothing left
just so
someone
could make
a wish.

     V

2016 - One Month Down!

     Friends! Long time no see! If you'll refer back to the very first post I made in 2016 (Welcome to 2016), I had quite a list of goals to achieve this year. Here I find myself already in the month of February, and nearing the end of my first full month back at college. Just as a side-note, there was a "100 days party" thrown for all graduating seniors last Thursday night. A week later, there are only 93 days left. Time is such a slippery thing, though I'm trying to take each day as it comes and suck all that I can out of it.
     Anyway, if you'll recall, my personal goals in no particular order for 2016 were these:

• lifting weights 3 times a week

• eating healthy (no coffee, much less sugars, less dairy, more veggies and red meats, and no processed junk if I can help it)

• doing Lumosity daily

• Duolingo (in Spanish) daily

• reading the bible and journaling every morning

• Praise Jar slip daily

     I'll use updates here as a way of keeping myself accountable, although so far I've done a great job keeping up on my own. All of the above are habits that I began at the end of September 2015 (aside from the Praise Jar), took me about a month or so to solidify, and have made it an overall goal of 2016 to maintain. So far, I have not missed a single gym day since January 1st (and I've added an hour of yoga twice a week!), have been eating tremendously healthy (following the close of the "holiday diet," of course), and since mid-December I've only missed two days of bible reading/journaling. I also haven't missed a single slip for my Praise Jar! As for Lumosity and Duolingo, well...I kept that up for the first week or so back at school and then fell off the wagon. My first two weeks at school were bizarre mainly because I had to maintain this routine in a totally different environment and Lumosity and Duolingo were throwing things off too much. However, my balance has returned, and I plan to toss them into the mix once more now that I've gathered my wits.
     Seeing as it is the final semester of my undergraduate career, people give me funny looks when I tell them this is the easiest/best semester ever for me. All of my classes are Tuesday/Thursdays, I work three days out of the week, and have three day weekends every weekend. With this newfound balance and routine, I am doing very, very well. Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally...I have never felt this good. I'm seeing definition in my body like I never have before, feeling and seeing the effects of reading God's Word daily in my life, and my stomach has never been happier. Just to make things even crazier, I'm sleeping a consistent average of nine hours per night with a bedtime of roughly 10pm and an alarm set for 7:30am! How many "college kids" can say that with a smile?!
     Shifting my circadian rhythm has also been a huge improvement. In several years I have struggled to fall asleep before midnight and wake up before 9am. It was ridiculous and frustrating. There was a season where I was getting up at 5am every day to babysit for twelve hours (sometimes more) and then could not fall asleep until midnight. Five hours later, I had to be awake. It was maddening and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. My sleep schedule wouldn't shift. This has been a struggle for years. Until 2016. Still not sure how, exactly, I got my circadian rhythm to finally shift, but I'm clinging to it!
     I made it a point to include "emotionally" in the list above, too, because I have struggled with true, soul-shining happiness in the past. Freshman year I was the type of person who romanticized cynicism and maybe faked seeing silver linings, but never believed in them myself. I was hyper-critical of myself as well as the people around me. I didn't make many friends here at college because I told myself I didn't need them. Over the years I have made a gradual change, but this last semester saw the most drastic of it. I now have the "problem" of having so many people ask me if I want to get dinner that I either have to turn someone down or mold friend groups together. I have group chats with people where we talk daily about all manner of things. Friends are stopping to chat with me while I have lunch.
     Mercedes, one of the only real friends I made Freshman year (somehow), recently saw me interact with other friends while we had lunch together and was amazed. Later she said to me, "don't take this the wrong way, but I have never seen you talk to anyone like that here." She has taken note of my slow slide down the spectrum from introvert to extrovert. I now consider myself more of an ambivert than anything, which means I now enjoy the company of others in addition to solitude.
     In short, friends, I am the happiest I have ever been. I operate daily on the combination of God's promises and positivity. I treat myself with respect, accept my faults and mistakes, and continue on knowing that life is a constant process of betterment. I filter my thoughts, pray constantly, and smile often. I've never been so content in my existence, never been able to love myself so fully, and never felt so great being on my own.
     Thank you to those that have encouraged, put up with, and guided me over the last several years. I of course had to reach this point naturally and on my own, but a few pokes and prods always help. 2016 is shaping up to be the best year yet and I'm confident I can keep it that way.
     Love,
     V