Addressing Skepticism

     My most recent relationship status has caused quite a buzz. Mostly excited and supportive responses thankfully, but I know there are skeptics among you. I do not blame you for this as a reaction. From the outside looking in, I believe it is warranted. Therefore I decided to give a brief window into what it’s like from the inside looking out. Allow me to jump right in.
     Let me make something clear from the outset: we don’t “complete” each other; it’s insulting to the other person to claim that until now, me without him or him without me we were incomplete, unfinished and the only way to be complete is to invite each other into our lives in an intimate way. That’s silly. The idea of “soul mates” is far from a biblical concept – it’s a romantically pressured one perpetuated by society. To all you single guys and gals, I’m sorry – it’s an impossible standard to achieve, and one many believe in.
     While we don’t endorse the soul mate concept, we do have our ways of describing the rapid depth of our connection. So far the best (and still unworthy) explanation I’ve conjured up is that he and I have recognized pieces of our own souls in each other; we have discovered a divine similarity between us. Personally I think Joseph portrayed it best when he said, “We are almost analogous to male and female permutations of the same soul.”
     These claims have provided the vehicle for us to transcend time itself. This experience has been incomparably ethereal. Between meeting Joseph on the 4th of March and my day trip to Baltimore to see him about a week later felt like a lifetime. It has been three weeks since we met, and from then till now has also felt a lifetime long. We have compacted a larger span of time into a smaller temporal container. Time is, like many things, relative. Our three weeks are nowhere near the same as yours. We understand each other on a level that has never existed before due to its impossibility.
     We transcended time, and continue to. I have never thought so clear or felt my mind so broad and challenged by anything, let alone a single individual. It may seem as if we’ve hurried into things, but there has been absolutely no rush. From the outside looking in, the pace is breakneck, but that’s the nature of our organic timeline. It’s like in algebra – when you know all the rules of the equation you solve it quickly, almost automatically, especially compared to when you were first getting acquainted with how every variable fit together. We’ve learned the rules, and this is the product of our combined equations.
     When I was younger and beginning to grasp the gravity of finding God's best for me, I often asked my parents to describe how it felt for them to get to know each other, and when they decided that they wanted to be together forever. This is a common question with an indescribable answer, and the common clichéd and useless-at-the-time response is typically, “you just know. When you find the right person, you just know it,” or “you feel as if on top of the world!” Being the way that I am, this always frustrated me; I wanted a checklist, or a litmus test or something. Rules to rely on. This feeling of “just knowing” seemed improbable and impossible. What if I didn't realize it? What if I somehow missed it? It all became complicated and worrisome. I was incredibly skeptical of it.
     Until now.
     Now I understand completely what they meant. Because I feel it. The indescribable feeling is in me. I “just know.”
     And I am so achingly certain of it that I would stake my life on it.
     It’s insane, I know. But having previous romantic pursuits to compare to throws this in stark contrast when placed next to all the others. It has far surpassed even the wildest expectations I could imagine.
     Neither of us went to EPA intending to meet anyone in this way, and yet here we are. We were not searching, and yet we found. We are swaddled in God’s divinity, cradled in His palms, and I have never been so certain of something in my life. (Yes, it even rivals my certainty concerning my passions for creative writing.)
     I wrote in my post from 2013 “Infernal Love Triangle Devices” that I was confident when God brought my future husband into the picture, the man He had hand-selected for me, I would know it. To quote the post exactly, “…I’m very particular about the qualities and lifestyle choices of the man I will marry in the future. … I, someone who always tries to have the lowest of expectations, am expecting a lot of the man for me. This makes it very easy for me to believe that once I find him, it won’t be long before I know he’s the one. God knows what I’m looking for and what I need, so once I’ve recognized all that, it will be obvious.” Such confidence!
     I know my expectations, standards, and requirements were tricky for any one mortal to score high on altogether. But I had finally seriously entrusted the worry about my future husband to God, surrendering the last thread I was white-knuckling. It did not need to be my responsibility to hunt for this man. If I truly believed all things were possible, God would have me covered. Obedience and trust were the only things expected of me. So I relinquished my human need to control, folded my hands in my lap, and made peace about waiting patiently for God to move. I had done my part, and He would certainly do His.
     The fruits were almost instant. God is faithful, y’all. His promises are far from empty.
     Earlier in the week leading up to EPA I did a lot of praying and ultimately let go of this obsession with stepping in front of God and arranging my future as if I knew better than him. (I don’t deserve his unflinching forgiveness.) Then, mere days later, enter Lightning Boy (aka Joseph). Unbelievable.
     I’ve always been skeptical of “just knowing.” Now I truly understand. It’s the closest thing to enlightenment, to Heaven, on this side of death.

2016 - One Month Down!

     Friends! Long time no see! If you'll refer back to the very first post I made in 2016 (Welcome to 2016), I had quite a list of goals to achieve this year. Here I find myself already in the month of February, and nearing the end of my first full month back at college. Just as a side-note, there was a "100 days party" thrown for all graduating seniors last Thursday night. A week later, there are only 93 days left. Time is such a slippery thing, though I'm trying to take each day as it comes and suck all that I can out of it.
     Anyway, if you'll recall, my personal goals in no particular order for 2016 were these:

• lifting weights 3 times a week

• eating healthy (no coffee, much less sugars, less dairy, more veggies and red meats, and no processed junk if I can help it)

• doing Lumosity daily

• Duolingo (in Spanish) daily

• reading the bible and journaling every morning

• Praise Jar slip daily

     I'll use updates here as a way of keeping myself accountable, although so far I've done a great job keeping up on my own. All of the above are habits that I began at the end of September 2015 (aside from the Praise Jar), took me about a month or so to solidify, and have made it an overall goal of 2016 to maintain. So far, I have not missed a single gym day since January 1st (and I've added an hour of yoga twice a week!), have been eating tremendously healthy (following the close of the "holiday diet," of course), and since mid-December I've only missed two days of bible reading/journaling. I also haven't missed a single slip for my Praise Jar! As for Lumosity and Duolingo, well...I kept that up for the first week or so back at school and then fell off the wagon. My first two weeks at school were bizarre mainly because I had to maintain this routine in a totally different environment and Lumosity and Duolingo were throwing things off too much. However, my balance has returned, and I plan to toss them into the mix once more now that I've gathered my wits.
     Seeing as it is the final semester of my undergraduate career, people give me funny looks when I tell them this is the easiest/best semester ever for me. All of my classes are Tuesday/Thursdays, I work three days out of the week, and have three day weekends every weekend. With this newfound balance and routine, I am doing very, very well. Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally...I have never felt this good. I'm seeing definition in my body like I never have before, feeling and seeing the effects of reading God's Word daily in my life, and my stomach has never been happier. Just to make things even crazier, I'm sleeping a consistent average of nine hours per night with a bedtime of roughly 10pm and an alarm set for 7:30am! How many "college kids" can say that with a smile?!
     Shifting my circadian rhythm has also been a huge improvement. In several years I have struggled to fall asleep before midnight and wake up before 9am. It was ridiculous and frustrating. There was a season where I was getting up at 5am every day to babysit for twelve hours (sometimes more) and then could not fall asleep until midnight. Five hours later, I had to be awake. It was maddening and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. My sleep schedule wouldn't shift. This has been a struggle for years. Until 2016. Still not sure how, exactly, I got my circadian rhythm to finally shift, but I'm clinging to it!
     I made it a point to include "emotionally" in the list above, too, because I have struggled with true, soul-shining happiness in the past. Freshman year I was the type of person who romanticized cynicism and maybe faked seeing silver linings, but never believed in them myself. I was hyper-critical of myself as well as the people around me. I didn't make many friends here at college because I told myself I didn't need them. Over the years I have made a gradual change, but this last semester saw the most drastic of it. I now have the "problem" of having so many people ask me if I want to get dinner that I either have to turn someone down or mold friend groups together. I have group chats with people where we talk daily about all manner of things. Friends are stopping to chat with me while I have lunch.
     Mercedes, one of the only real friends I made Freshman year (somehow), recently saw me interact with other friends while we had lunch together and was amazed. Later she said to me, "don't take this the wrong way, but I have never seen you talk to anyone like that here." She has taken note of my slow slide down the spectrum from introvert to extrovert. I now consider myself more of an ambivert than anything, which means I now enjoy the company of others in addition to solitude.
     In short, friends, I am the happiest I have ever been. I operate daily on the combination of God's promises and positivity. I treat myself with respect, accept my faults and mistakes, and continue on knowing that life is a constant process of betterment. I filter my thoughts, pray constantly, and smile often. I've never been so content in my existence, never been able to love myself so fully, and never felt so great being on my own.
     Thank you to those that have encouraged, put up with, and guided me over the last several years. I of course had to reach this point naturally and on my own, but a few pokes and prods always help. 2016 is shaping up to be the best year yet and I'm confident I can keep it that way.
     Love,
     V 

Welcome to 2016 - A Year of Improvements

(Post pulled from group blog: StalkerSubtext)
     Just as the title says, Happy New Year! 2015 was definitely a year of learning, humility, and listening above everything else, which is to be expected. I began doing my own research in the Psych department at school, went to two marvelous concerts, celebrated my 21st birthday, did a ton of visiting with my immediate and extended family, finished my third year at college out of four, celebrated my Grandpa’s 75th birthday, broke off a relationship that was doing more harm than good (one of the best decisions of my life, let alone my year), started a workout routine, and made some priceless, awesome friendships. Overall, it’s been a wonderful year, and I have learned from all of these things how to best approach 2016.
     I know the bottom line for every year is going to be that I am blessed beyond measure. I’m in good health, have breath in my lungs, and am loved by numerous people. Can’t get much better than that.
     However, I know for a fact that I can actively take part in my own life and make it even better. How, you ask? Well, first of all I’m avoiding any New Years Resolutions - they’re usually cold turkey, drastic, or a 180 degrees turn around and therefore incredibly difficult to maintain. The amount of instant self-discipline and motivation needed generally doesn’t match up to how much one is willing to put forth for very long. My personal goals for 2016 are to keep up the routine I’ve been maintaining hardcore since the end of September, which entails lifting weights 3 times a week, eating healthy (no coffee, much less sugars, less dairy, more veggies and red meats, and no processed junk if I can help it), doing Lumosity and Duolingo (in Spanish) every day, and reading the bible and journaling every morning. Seems like a lot to keep up, especially when adding my final semester in college into the equation, but I already know I’ve maintained all but one of these things during this past semester, which was easily much harder than the one I’m about to begin. It’s feasible for sure.
     One new thing I’m planning to introduce to 2016 is something called the Praise Jar. Every day I will write down something I’m thankful for, or something I’ve been praying for, and drop it into this jar. The point of this is to accurately reminisce about 2016 on New Years Eve and see what all I was thankful for, and possibly what all prayers got answered. It’s just a fun thing to put into perspective the power of positive thinking and how the year really went. I decided to use paint swatches from Lowe’s as the cards I write on to give the jar color as I go.

     Needless to say I am ridiculously excited for 2016. My final semester in college will be the best so far, without a doubt. I’ve got an awesome group of friends, sweet possibilities for the future, and a very healthy relationship prospect.      Cheers, my friends. Remember that getting out of bed every day is a victory in itself and that you are never alone. Godspeed, and let’s make this the best damn year yet!
     V