And In One Moment, Love Is Lost

“I wonder what you’ll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away, it’s hard to say
Impossible for me to tell, we’re always walking on eggshells
Who you’re going to be from day to day today”

I Don’t think I Love You – Hoobastank

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Quietly, so quietly, she slipped on her sandals in the pitch dark foyer. She removed her coat deliberately from the rack by the door and guided her hands through the arms, zipping it up with a slowness a sloth would appreciate.

She took a breath and stepped with the lightness of a ballerina towards the door, reaching out her sweating palm to grasp the handle.

“What are you doing, Anna?” A dark voice came from the sitting room and she nearly froze in the terror that washed over her. She closed her eyes and kept absolutely still.

Footsteps approached her leisurely; she forced herself to keep her eyes shut.

“I asked, what are you doing?” he said again, closer this time, and with a venom that penetrated deep without him even touching her.

She swallowed inaudibly and straightened herself. “Going for a walk.” She avoided his gaze, knowing he was staring at her with those sharp, searching eyes. She hated those eyes.

“A walk, hm? At eleven o’clock at night? After sneaking out of bed and into your shoes, without telling me you were leaving in case something were to happen to you out on this walk at a dangerous time of the night?”

Her gaze locked on the floor. “I should have told you, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you,” she nearly whispered.

“Look at me.” He didn’t say it, but she discerned that he knew the very thing she never wanted him to know. “I said, look at me,” he hissed, gripping her chin harshly and yanking it level with his face. His eyes stabbed through hers, to find the truth that he already knew.

She remained unfeeling beneath his glare.

“What is your destination, Anna? Where are you going?”

Her response was hesitant and she could see that made him angry, his patience burning up with every millisecond that passed.

“There was no destination,” she murmured, attempting to quell the fright rising in her throat. Please, just let me go, she wanted to beg him. Don’t hurt me…just let me go.

“Liar! You were going to see him, weren’t you? Weren’t you?” He shook her as he shouted. She knew his reactions were always ruthless, but she had never seen him as explosive as this.

“No,” she began, but he drew back his hand and slapped her with rage fueled by jealousy and hatred. Her body pitched to the side and she stumbled backwards, throwing out her arms to catch her. “Please, don’t,” she whispered, the urge to cry nearly overwhelming everything in her mind.

“No! You listen to me. You are never to see him again! You are mine, I own you! You're my wife and you will do as I say!” he howled at her, roughly grabbing her wrist to wrench her off the floor. “Stand up!” he screamed. “Stand up and look at me!”

Tears filled her eyes and she willed herself not to let them fall. Her wrist ached under the pressure of his grip, but he didn’t ease up.

“Never are you to go to him again!”

Despite herself and his words, she shook her head. She shook it hard, back and forth, until he launched his palm at her face once more. She caught herself against the wall and made a hasty dash to the front door. He roared and barreled toward her.

“Don’t you dare walk out that door!” His hand snapped out, but all he managed to grip was her earring. Nevertheless, he jerked back inexorably, and her earlobe ripped.

She cried out and cupped her ear as she swung the door open and slammed it shut behind her, running and tripping over the front lawn with a vigor she didn’t know she had.

Anna scrambled over the asphalt and through a neighbor’s yard, turning a corner and throwing herself behind the house. She bolted then, only one thought consuming her mind; she had to get to the only place she felt sanctuary.

Jaren’s arms.

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“Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want
In a flash a heart is slain
you have to ask in all this pain
Was your heart too soft?
Was your love in vain?”

Love Affair - Copeland

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She rapped on the door hard and it opened almost instantly. Without thinking, she crashed into him and buried her face in his shoulder, the tears already beginning to crawl over her cheeks. It took less than a second for his arms to reach around her and hug her close to him.

“Jaren, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” she sobbed, clamping her arms tighter around his neck.

“Shh, darling, what's wrong?” He stroked her head and smoothed down her hair before pausing. “My God...what happened to your ear?”

She choked on a sob. “H-he hit me, Jaren, and he ripped my earring out and he knows. Jaren, he knows,” she wailed uncontrollably, futilely trying to keep her crying in hand.

“Oh honey,” he cooed.

Jaren cradled her against his chest and between her whimpers, Anna was telling herself this was all a nightmare, that she would wake up and it would all go away. But she knew wishing it all to disappear was hopeless. She cried harder.

“He's mad, Jaren. He's so mad. I don't know what he'll do. I'm so scared,” she cried softly into his shirt.

“It’s okay honey, it’s alright. Everything will be alright. We can run away, far away to a place he won't even think to look,” he reassured her smoothly, bringing up her face to smile at her. Gently, he kissed the tip of her nose and banished a few tears with the pads of his thumbs. “I love you too much to leave you.”

Her reply was shoving her face into the dip between his shoulder and neck and whimpering, “I love you too, so much.” Anna wrapped her arms tighter around his neck, craving his warmth, his touch, his tender familiarity.

“Anna, we must hurry. Time is not for us. I’ll quickly gather a few of my things and then we will vanish into the night.” He smiled and held her face between his rough hands. “Soon love, very soon we will be free from all this.”

Suddenly the door burst open and an angry roar followed the slam.

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“If I were to die this very moment
I wouldn’t fear
For I’ve never known completeness like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you”

Gorecki – Lamb

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“Get away from her!”

Anna spun around and in seconds, Mark had the barrel of a gun pointed in Jaren's face.

“Mark, no!” She made to shield Jaren, but Mark gripped her arm and tore her from him, clamping a claiming and unyielding arm around her waist at his side. Anna squirmed desperately, screaming and crying, trying to pry herself loose, but to no avail. “Mark, please, don't do this!” Mark dug his fingers deep into her side and she whimpered against the pain.

“Mark, let's talk about this,” Jaren murmured calmly, holding up his hands in surrender.

“You will never touch her again.” Mark's voice was a low growl as he glared daggers at Jaren. “There really isn't anything else to be said.”

“Jaren I love you, I'm sorry,” Anna cried softly.

“Shut up!” Mark spat down at Anna, making her cower in his grasp.

“I don't think that's necessary,” Jaren murmured defensively, taking a step forward.

“It doesn't matter what you think!” Mark pulled the trigger.

Jaren crumpled to the ground, unmoving.

Anna screamed. She screamed so loud and so violent that her throat seared dry. Tears flew from her eyes as she struggled in desperation against Mark's relentless hold.

“You killed him!” she wailed. Mark began to drag her back through the front door, but she fought for her release. She knew it was dangerous to disobey Mark. She knew it. But right now, she didn't give a damn.

“Jaren!” Her body reacted before she could think. She balled up her fist and socked Mark right in the crotch. He curled in on himself with a howl, his arm loosening. Anna dropped to the ground roughly on her hands and knees and scrambled forward to lean over Jaren. “Jaren,” she choked. “Honey I'm sorry.”

He half smiled up at her, his eyes dreamy and distant. Shakily she knotted her fingers in his and held their clasped hands to her chest. Her bottom lip quivered uncontrollably, as if it were vibrating.

“I love you,” Jaren murmured, dazed. Anna touched her fingers to the gaping hole in his chest, oozing crimson what could only be blood. She bit her lip and clamped her eyes shut against the oncoming tears. “I love you,” Jaren whispered, softer this time.

Mark’s arms came around her waist then, heaving her up and over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Anna’s fingers were pulled from Jaren’s, but she kept her arm reached out to him in a feeble attempt to hold on somehow.

“Goodbye,” she whispered brokenly, fighting the constricting choke of her throat.

“Goodbye,” Jaren’s breath came out like a slowly deflating tire until he could breathe no more.

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“I’m reaching for this life within me
How can one man stop his ending?
I thought of just your face
Relaxed and floated into space…”

Into The Ocean – Blue October

Lazy Afternoon

He lounged back against the arm of the lazy swinging bench, his arms wrapped around the waist of a tall woman. She had slid down in his loose grasp, her head now resting softly on his stomach and her toes nearly falling over the other side of the bench. The boy pulled his knees up, creating a fence on the unsecured side of her torso to prevent her from accidentally rolling off the swing.

She rested her forearm along his thigh and tousled the frayed ends of the worn knees in his jeans with her fingertips. “These jeans are getting old,” she murmured as the wind danced through the leaves above them. Tipping her head back, she stopped when she could see his face.

“So are you,” he replied, smiling down at her. She grinned and let her head fall forward.

“Yeah, but you don’t believe that, do you?”

“Mmm, no.” He kissed the top of her head and she hummed.

The chains supporting the bench creaked and groaned with every swing back and forth, but it was rhythmic and somehow calming instead of irritating. A few blossomed flowers drifted down from the trees, the wind having shaken them loose, and they graced the boy’s black hair. He absently brushed one off, but grabbed the other and held it down in front of her face.

“For you,” he said, and he knew that smile was spreading even before he heard her giggle. She put the flower to her nose and breathed in, murmuring something about it smelling beautiful before reaching back to tuck it into her hair. “Let me.” The boy took it from her and brushed back a few locks of striking auburn hair behind her ear, placing the flower just above the curve. He grinned.

“Can I tell you something?” He whispered, grabbing her hands in his and crossing them over her stomach.

“Mhm,” she hummed in drowsy reply, settling herself into a comfortable position prime for sleep.

“Your ears are pretty,” he whispered, his lips near her ear.

She twisted her head to glance at him, her expression strange and disbelieving.

“What?” He asked, the smile continuing to grace his lips.

“My ears are pretty?”

“That what I just said isn't it?”

“Yeah, but…no one’s ever told me that before.” She turned back around and relaxed against him.

He couldn’t stop grinning to save his life. “Well I am honored to be the first one to do so.” Being silly, he kissed her ear and she laughed, pulling up her shoulders in attempt to shy away.

“You're silly, you know that?” She continued to giggle as he hugged his arms tighter around her.

“Yes, and I love you, you know that?”

Her gaze traveled down to the intertwined fingers of their left hands and the rings glimmered dazzlingly in the sunlight filtering through the leaves. “Yes,” she replied dreamily. “Yes, I do.”

She twisted around in his arms, smiled, and kissed him.

In a Million Years

Never in a million years did I think that one day, I’d be 16, in a foreign country and cooking dinner by myself for 10 people while nannying 6 children who I can't fluently speak with.

I guess a million years has passed, then.

There are a few other things that God has taught and showed me during my stay in Peru, too. They are countless, but these are just a few that jump to mind:

One of the more prominent realizations that He's given me is that I need to cherish friends and family. I need to appreciate my family with every passing day and be extremely grateful that I have such a whole one. He made me realize that I am much luckier than I had thought to have a dad and a mom, to have aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents that I love and love me in return. Living in Peru has showed me the brokenness that many families have; the dissonance and hate between family members and how much that taxes the entire family. I despise how often I hear about fatherless or divorced families and it hurts my heart to know that so much of that goes on in the world.

God has made it clear that He has given me the family that I have for a reason. And for that, I am so lucky.

God has given me the friendships that I have for specific reasons, too. To put it simply, I am thankful for the caring, supportive friends that I have the privilege to know. And even though time may pass and those friendships may become more distant, I know I will hold onto and never forget the memories that have been shared. I've learned that God puts certain people in your life at certain times for a purpose and that once they fulfill that purpose, they may melt away into the shadows of your mind and although you may not talk to them as often as you once did, those memories will be ever present.

God has tried my patience and dug deep into my emotions, stirring up things I never thought I would feel so strongly about. By seeing the poverty all around me every day; the dirty little faces of children and bowed backs of hard working mothers, He has sparked something within me. Humility. Thankfulness. Open eyes. Trust. Faith. Love. Acceptance.

This time in Peru has rocked my whole world and entire way of thinking. It has been a trial in itself and even though at times I felt like there was never going to be an end in sight or I couldn’t push through, He took my hand and opened my eyes to the side I wasn’t seeing every time.

He's taught me through trials what it really means to hold onto the phrase, “the dark always comes before the light.” There is no doubt in my mind now that although weeping may come at night, joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5) Because of that, I smile.

Now, I'm just awaiting that sunrise.

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Thank you for your love and prayers and support. <3 br="" couldn="" done="" have="" i="" it="" t="" without="" you.="">
~Vicki

Sunrise, or Lack Thereof

It's 5:39 AM. I haven't slept all night.

Not only haven't I slept, but I find myself in the curious position of sitting cross legged on the roof.

As the blanket of darkness begins to lift, the neighbor’s dogs spot me and their robber-sensors go haywire; but the strange thing is that only one voices his opinion about a mysterious shadowed figure climbing onto the roof at five in the morning.

Three roosters crow in what could only be coincidental succession.

I begin to see everything clearer and at first think that perhaps my eyes adjusted to the darkness surrounding me. But then, when I gaze back up at the cloud congested sky, I see that the cracks between them have grown lighter. From that moment on, the spaces between the clouds continue to lighten every second that passes by.

The dog continues make a fuss until Rosa wanders out to the back of her property to see why the hell her dog is barking so persistently. She finally sees me on the roof and her steps turn slow, I watch, staying still, as she pulls something from her pocket. I assume a cell phone and instantly throw up my hand in a friendly greeting. I sit up straighter; she realizes it's me and waves back.

The foothills begin to materialize all around, shaking the mist and fog free from their sands. The blatant odor of fish and salty beach begins to fade, melting away with the night. A faint light covers everything now, in preparation for the sun to arrive.

The constant hum of the Pan-American highway does not cease.

Birds chirrup from left and right, in front and behind, above and below. Some zip past, anxious to begin the day, while others stay safely tucked in their nests, uncertain of what the day will bring.

The orange street lamps begin turning off in a wave, street by street.

The hole in the clouds catches a few rays of morning sunlight, changing the faded blue to a light peach. I become sad once I realize that I won’t be able to see the sun climb over the mountains.

The air is still, but the morning chill still hangs there, motionless. The Peruvian flag does not twitch and the leaves of the trees do not rustle.

The last of the street lamps die out.

I can feel the fabric of my jacket absorbing the morning dampness.

I pick myself up with dirty hands and a dusty rear, my hope shattered and disappointment evident. I hop down off the roof of the patio and slip underneath it, jumping down onto a bucket, out of sight of everyone and everything but myself.

I slap my hands together to rid myself of the grime and murmur unheard apologies to Rosa.

That damn dog is still barking at me.

Grab What Matters Most & Don't Forget to Hold it Dear

“Okay,” she began, putting her hands palms out towards the floor. “If this house caught on fire and you only had a few seconds to think and grab for something near you, what would you take?” She looked at him and waited patiently for his answer. His eyebrow quirked and he glanced back at her. “If this house caught on fire…?” He echoed as if he hadn’t heard correctly.

“You’re silly, you know that?” He asked back at her. She put her hands on her hips in reply while simultaneously trying to keep a smile from giving away her amusement. He rolled his eyes playfully and turned to scan the room for objects that he might consider sprinting out of the burning building with. If that were to ever happen, of course.

He pondered, his eyes lingering for a period of time on each object before moving on to the next. “I dunno…if I had to risk a few seconds that could possibly cost me my life to grab something and run, I don’t really see anything here that’s that important to me…”

“C’mon hon, you can think of something. This is all for play anyway. You don’t have to try too hard. Think of something you love and couldn’t live without.” She prodded gently.

A bright, figurative light bulb binged on atop his head and he smiled at the sudden genius.

“Well, there is one thing that I’d risk my life for…” He spun around and swiftly pulled Violet off her feet and into his arms bridal style. Surprise graced her face, but only for a moment once she realized what had happened. “Oh no, honey, the house is burning down! Grab what you can and run!” He yelled while she giggled, looping her arms around his neck. He ran to the two doorways screaming in a whisper and saying, “Ahhhhh! This exit’s blocked! That exit’s blocked! Honey, honey what are we gonna do?”

She smiled up at him that smile that she gives when he’s being silly but it’s still entertaining to her all the same. “We’ll just be trapped in here. We’ll burn to death and die in each other’s arms.” She had taken on a melodramatic tone for effect. She even had the back of her hand on her forehead.

Walking over to the couch, he gently lay down and shifted her on top of him until she was laying her head on his chest. “In each other’s arms…” He repeated quietly, squeezing his own tight around her body. He looked deep into her eyes and smiled crookedly.

“That’s got to be the best way to die.”

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Some fun fluff for you. Yay for fluffy fluffiness~!

Until next time,
~Vicki

Three Seater

Three seats. Three strangers. Only two sit down.
There's always that instance on a public bus or trolley where there is a spot on a three seater bench open, but it's always in the middle because no one ever wants to sit next to a stranger. So, you, as you enter the bus, choose to stand instead. You'd much rather stand than sit next to some strange person you don't know. And the beautiful thing is, they can't make you sit down if you don't want to.

...and in this instance, a man just sat next to me, in the middle of the three seater.
Go figure.

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Written from the rightmost seat of a three seater bench on the trolley in UVA.

Much love,
~Viiiiiiiiiicki

Sunrising

"Samantha! Pssst...Sam!" Samantha sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. She glanced at the clock. "What the heck...who's here at 5:15 in the morning? It's still dark outside..." She grumbled sleepily, tossing her legs out of bed and meandering towards her bedroom door. "No Sam, over here." Three taps on the window spun her around and she found Lyric perched outside it. He waved and smiled.

She bumped the corner of her dresser on the way there but otherwise made it to the window without any other injuries. She shoved it open, the old cracked paint working against her. "Lyric, what are you doing here at this time of morning?" She whispered, nearly hissing as she motioned for him to hop through and into her room. He shook his head, that crooked smile still gracing his lips. "Come with me." His arms extended toward her. "Why now? Can't it wait?" He shook his head and twisted to look off into the distance. He was being utterly mysterious, she thought. "Please, come."
His hands beckoned.

Sam hesitated, debating and wondering simultaneously. She shifted her weight from foot to foot. Finally, when it looked like Lyric was getting anxious and possibly a bit nervous, she nodded her head. His smile reignited. "Let's go."

She went with him out onto the roof and he told her to be as quiet as possible. "Where are we going?" She asked, but he only shook his head and put a finger to his lips. "Later. Now hurry; time is of the essence." She almost couldn't take his mysteriousness and I'm-not-going-to-tell-you-anything attitude, but she let him lead her. She reasoned that he must have a motive for keeping silent about pretty much everything.

They slid down off the roof soundlessly, to Sam's delight. Lyric jumped on his motor bike and Sam wrapped her arms around his waist as she slipped on behind him. "Hold on tight." He grinned and revved the engine. With that, they were zooming down the street.

Sam saw that the night was just barely beginning to melt away when they reached the base of a small foothill. Her hair whipped wildly about her face and she continuously squinted her eyes against the rushing air. Lyric took a short road that twisted and wound up the hill, kicking up dust in his wake.

Lyric pulled off on a small, flat parking area that overlooked the city, silencing the purring bike. He turned to her with a twinkle in his eyes and his smile reflected it. "I want to show you something my Father made." Lyric grabbed her hand in his; it was still warm from the bike handle. He led her over to a plaid blanket beneath a giant tree; it's bowed branches gave it an old, weathered and wise appearance. If it could transform into a human, Sam decided, it would take the form of an old man, shoulders hunched and face owlish and twisted.

They lay down on the blanket, wiggling together on their stomachs until they were shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. "Had I known we were going this far I might’ve put something on a little more covering and public." Sam murmured, trying to pull down the long sleeves of her night shirt to cover her hands. Lyric sat up momentarily and slipped out of his jacket, draping it over her shoulders. She felt his heat radiate around her as well as his musky scent. She nuzzled her nose into the neck of the jacket and breathed in deeply. "Thank you." She pulled it tight around herself and gazed up at him.

"Oh, look." He breathed as he laid back down, pointing to the horizon. "What?" Sam asked, following the direction of his finger. "Watch." He grinned and stared at the undulating tops of the opposite foothills. Light was leaking over them, illuminating the dark sky in beautiful hues of blue, pink and orange.

In mere minutes, the sun popped out from behind the mountains and spread its beam everywhere across the sand and dirt like someone opening their arms for an embrace. Sam couldn't find any other words for it than "wow" and "so amazing." The hues continued to vary and gradient out from the rim of the sun, changing every few minutes. There were no clouds dotting the sky that morning and it made everything seem so much clearer.

"This is so beautiful. I've never watched a sunrise in my life, much less with someone I care a lot for." Sam beamed, showing teeth in her genuine smile. "But...your Father made this?" An eyebrow rose as she glanced over at him in obvious disbelief. His grin never faltered.

"Yeah, God made this."