There have been many curious
thoughts floating around in my head while I’ve been reading the Infernal Devices
books. I’m currently in the middle of book three,
Clockwork Princess, and definitely in the thick of the drama
between Jem, Will, and Tessa. For those of you who have read this trilogy, you
fully understand what I mean.
One of the biggest ponderings in my
brain has been a distant memory I’m very much reminded of through Tessa’s
struggle of giving half of her heart to each of the boys and being tormented by this.
Years ago, so many more years ago
than I originally thought, I had taken a great liking in a boy I’d met and hit
it off with. We immediately were instant messaging each other all the time,
always looking forward to chatting every single night for hours about random
things; art, writing, life…you name it. I was happy and in love, giddily so.
There was a slight problem in my
bliss, however.
He was already involved with
someone and had been for a while, long enough so that there was no way for me
to compete with it. He loved her and had no interest in leaving her, but he
also liked me a lot, too. We were really good friends and I believe if he had
not been previously committed, I would have jumped at the chance if he asked to
date me.
It did not pass the way I imagined
it would.
What ever does, really?
There came a point where I began to
understand that there was no way for me to win over all the love of this boy
and it felt like I was pulling him away from his beloved, when that wasn’t my
aim at all.
Amid these thoughts and worries, I
had drawn out a crude comic using my amazing artistry (not) and it depicted a
boy and two girls by his sides. We were all smiling, existing together happily.
(His girlfriend thought my crush on him was cute and she didn’t mind that I
talked to him a lot, probably because she thought I wasn't a threat, which is true - I really wasn't.) Then, he took out his heart (obviously it was a
figurative depiction, not the real, beating, bloody organ) and went to give it
to one of us, but upon realizing there was indeed only one heart, he frowned.
It was certainly troubling to have two people so close to you, but have to
choose one over the other. This is the struggle Tessa was going through.
The comic-boy had a realization and
split his heart into two equal pieces, happily presenting one to each girl. We
smiled, at him and at each other, content with his decision. At least I
imagined myself content.
But then, his face twisted, he
clutched his chest, and fell over dead. The comic-girl and I looked at one
another in shock. I then realized that the only way for him to be happy and
alive was for him to have his heart whole, even if it was with someone else.
Defeated, I surrendered my half to his beloved and she put it back together,
essentially reviving the boy. The girl thanked me, they waved, and skipped off
together, leaving me behind and alone to draw in the dirt and wonder if the
situation could have possibly gone in my favor instead.
Gradually we began to lose contact,
messaging one another less and less until the only contact that remained was
seeing occasional posts from him on Facebook.
As I’ve grown up and expanded the
understanding of my own emotions, I realized I had truly loved him, but only so
far as the idea of being with him. We were great friends, really, but I never
would have lasted long with him. There were many lifestyle choices he made that
I didn’t agree with, but while we chatted, I simply overlooked them.
In the end, it was better that I
let him go (he wasn't ever really mine anyway). He wasn’t meant for me, and while I was struggling with the idea
during out tight friendship, I know now that what happened was for the better.
I still love him as a person and wish him all the happiness he can stand, but
at the same time I know there is someone else out there for me. Peace was made
and I was content once more.
I’m not sure how Clockwork Princess is going to end, but
I have a feeling Jem is going to die and as his last wish, will demand Will to
make Tessa happy because that’s all that Jem wants, and Will and Tessa will be
together. She will reconcile with her residual feelings for her dead fiancée, her and Will’ll have a kid (somehow? Maybe?) and name him James
and call him Jem.
Just a wild
hypothesis. We’ll see how true it ends up being once I finish the book this
week. There’s also a slight possibility they don’t get together after their
mutual friend is long gone.
What I learned from the whole
situation was that I’m very particular about the qualities and lifestyle
choices of the man I will marry in the future. (Oh yes, this will happen.) I,
someone who always tries to have the lowest of expectations, am expecting a lot
of the man for me. This makes it very easy for me to believe that once I find
him, it won’t be long before I know he’s the one. God knows what I’m
looking for and what I need, so once I’ve recognized all that, it will be
obvious.
This is what I believe.
Anyway, that’s just a little tid
bit of my life. I’ve recently discovered that I don’t post much about myself;
it’s mainly fictional writings and updates and lists at the shallowest level. Here and
there I’ve mentioned personal things. Maybe that was already enough for you. Maybe you really don't care. If
so, that’s cool. You’re not obligated to read everything I post. You’re not
even obligated to read a single thing of mine, but I do appreciate when you do.
So thank you.
I guess that’s all for me. For now.
Vicki out.
Image (C) http://emokid711.deviantart.com/art/Stitched-heart-100992011
